"Come to me, I'm all you need..."

It's been a long time since I've written, I know. I've been so busy with school, sports (playing basketball, volleyball, and soccer takes up a LOT of time), friends, leading worship, feeding my soul with the Word of God, and seeking His will for my life. Just to catch you up, I'm exactly 72 days away from graduating high school. I got my cap and gown today, and I'm exactly one month away from the senior trip to new york city. Life is flying by fast, and I'm trying to enjoy every single moment of it. My senior year is slowly winding down to a close and my life, my dreams, and my plans have changed so much in the past year. So let me tell you about what's happened so far.

I guess the last time I've written was the time we won the 2012 NCCAA State Volleyball tournament...and that was like in October. So, Christmas was a quiet one and one that was spent with family and a loving church family. You really don't know how good it is to be able to be back in the church family that I grew up in. Of course, some people have come and gone, but it's still my home church...and God is definitely there. Christmas was also spent going back and forth between birthday parties and family things. The first birthday party was for my friend, Sydney, who is probably one of the sweetest girls ever. I really love that girl! We spent the night at her house, celebrating her birthday and running around her backyard playing some games in the night.  A few days later, I got a call from one of my friends saying that my friend, Brandon's mom was going to have a surprise birthday party for him at Outback. So, I drove down towards the beach and waited with friends for almost an hour for the birthday boy to show up. And the best part about it? He wasn't even surprised. I guess that's what you get when you have two surprise parties back-to-back. :) We had a great time eating and fellowshipping with friends and Brandon's family. A few days after, we ended up spending time at Sydney's house baking cookies for Christmas. The guys spent time outside talking and the girls ended up baking all of the cookies. And, to my embarrassment, I finally saw the movie Elf for the first time. Sydney, you better believe I won't forget that day because you're the one who introduced me to Elf!

So after Christmas and Christmas break, basketball season was in full-swing. I really cannot tell you the details of basketball season because, really, everything was such a blur. I had such memorable practices, I had such ups and downs, and I finally saw the agressive side of me (haha!). Basketball season was filled with hairspray on shoes, missed baskets, great games, Subway run memories, free chocolate milkshake run before a basketball game with my friend Nia, record time for changing during that free chocolate milkshake run, bruised toes, tears, sweat, blood, and the greatest memories with the sweetest girls ever. We ended up having our tournament in Lumberton this year and it was some of the best three days I've had in a long time. The girls spent their time in one hotel, while the guys spent their time in the other. All us girls ended up watching Breaking Dawn: Part One, eating Denny's twenty-four/ seven, and planning out our plan of attack for the game that day with some of the best coaches on the east coast. We ended up making it all the way to the championship game and went into overtime with a point difference for the other team to win. We came out with second place, but we were ready to shed the tears of the season and cheer on our guys to victory. Our guys came in second place too, and for the seniors, it was one of the toughest days of our lives. My friends Braxton and John were ending their final basketball game after playing together for 6 years. My heart broke for them and what they had to deal with.

There were a few Audience of Ones and God continued to show up and show off at every single one of them. The past one, though, I was preparing to lead worship in big church (!) that next morning. God really spoke to me during the Audience of One, and I couldn't help but just love Him by worshipping Him. I prayed the whole night that God would use me the next morning and that His Spirit would be the only one in church. After the Audience of One, I went over to my friend Braxton's house to surprise his girlfriend Meredith for her birthday. She was definitely surprised, and well, so was I. That night, I had to leave early due to me leading worship the next morning at a very, very, very early time. So I said goodbye to her and as I was walking out, I went to go hug my friend Sydney and the guy I really like was standing at the doorway. Apparently, he went to go give me a hug at the same time and I didn't see it until it was too late. Instead, he hugged my friend, Kelly, who is at least 5 years younger than he is. I ended up backing out of the doorway without ever getting a hug from him. Once I got outside, I looked over at Kelly and was like, "What just happened?" And she goes, "Well, you doofus, the kid you liked went to give you a hug and you just had to make it even more AWKWARD for me and he gave me your hug instead!" I sighed...yet another way for me to mess things up. I couldn't believe I missed that! I mean, come on! It's just typical me to do that and let the guy think I don't like him...which I really do. And with things like that, it just makes me see that he might actually like me...and he's been hard to see if he does or not! Sometimes, I don't think he does (which is most of the time) and others, I think he might possibly like me...but those might possibly moments are shut down with the truth from another friend. But we'll just have to see what happens...and where God goes with this. Because I really, really like him. How can one not when that person has such a heart for God?

Now is the beginning of soccer season...and we finally won a game. Our first game of the season, we ended up winning for our coach's birthday. Soccer has brought on it's own problems, but I continue to love the sport. I love being able to run with everything I have and be agressive. I just don't ever like having home games, because I feel like the pressure is on us. But that's just a fact of life I have to get used to. :)

So, God has recently be speaking to me about a few things. First, I need to let Him be the center of my life all the time. I have had situations where I slipped from that and I've gotten in trouble. He's taken away things from me so I can focus on Him. I constantly bombard Him with one question I have and it's always the same answer: fall in love with Me, let Me guide your life, wait for him, and focus on everything else and he'll show up when he needs to and when I have him planned to show up. Second, I need to trust Him. Recently, like yesterday, I found out I won't be going to Liberty University in the fall. I don't have enough money to go and financial aid won't come through with the money. So the next two years will be spent at home on Liberty Online and I'll be able to watch my sister's games, be there for my sister, be there for my grandparents, and be there for my parents. I can't wait to see how He uses this time. I'm curious, but I know trusting Him is the best thing for me to do right now...and that's trusting Him in all areas of my life: school, friends, home, with the guy I really like, and learning who He is and how He loves me.

For now though, I will continue to update this when possible. But I'm going to follow His will for my life and continue to fall in love with Him, no matter what anyone else says.

-hannah

"Waiting here for You with our hands lifted high in praise. And it's You we adore singing alleluia."

Remember when all I wanted was to go to Duke University? Every post had something to do with Duke and how badly I wanted to be apart of the blue devils. I wanted to sit on that lawn and study my anatomy homework. I wanted to be a Cameron Crazy and cheer on Seth Curry, Andre Dawkins, Josh Hairston, Marshall, Miles, and Mason Plumlee as they lead the Duke blue devils to victory. I wanted to go to the after game bonfires and I wanted to proudly wear the royal blue and white. I wanted to study under some of the best professors in the world. I wanted to do Duke Engage and travel across the world doing research.

But as of today, my entire view of colleges has changed.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 1, 2011, is the early decision deadline for Duke University. And guess who is not applying?

This girl.

After a long discussion with my parents, I have decided to cancel my Duke University application and not complete the rest of the application. And, really, I don't have any regrets. I'm not in love with Duke anymore. I don't have a heart to study under some of the best professors anymore. I don't have a heart to travel the world through Duke Engage doing research. I don't have a passion to study on the lawn of Duke. I want something different, I want to follow what He has for me.

I always feared that something like this would happen. When I was so excited for Duke during the summer, my biggest fear was falling in love with a different school...falling in love with a plan I'm pretty sure God has set before me. Even though I haven't been the kind of Christian...the kind of lover...the kind of bride of Christ I need to be (I haven't been reading God's Word, praying like I should, and filling my mind with Him), I have seen this coming for a while. I've prayed over and over again about what God wants me to do in life. And every time I pray that prayer, an opportunity to lead worship comes up. Between school praise team, a youth leader who wants me to lead worship (but I haven't been able to since I've been so busy with basketball and volleyball practice...and I'm sincerely sorry. I know where I need to be, but I can't ever find time to get there. And it's completely my fault.), and a lady whom I've respected for most of my life wants me to lead sunday night worship for at least one night soon,  I think my answer has come. I've lead youth worship a time or two this year. I've been one of the people playing in youth worship for most of my two years at my old church, I've been one of the people playing in church worship for most of my two years at my old church, and I'm beginning to play during worship at my home church again. I love music and I love leading worship. As much as I hate seeing what a worship leader goes through and knowing that this might be where God wants me to be, I still love leading worship. I love the fact that God changes us constantly. He changes our minds and He allows us to fall in love with His plan and forget our own. I was afraid that Duke would fall to the wayside this school year, and my biggest fear has come true. But I know this is where I need to be. Duke is not going to be my home, and no matter how hard I tried to make it be my home, it never will be. It will always be a place where I love the athletics, but I can never call it home. And that's perfectly fine with me.

Liberty University is where I feel God is calling me. It's starting to feel like home, even though I'm miles and miles away from it. God is there, there's no doubt about that. I talked to a recruiter today and all of my Liberty University questions were answered. Apparently, their music ministry program is HUGE. I'll get everything I ever wanted out of the program and about 2-3 churches a day call Liberty for worship leaders. People like TobyMac, Relient K, and Avalon came out of Liberty's music program. Their journalism program is also one of the best. I also found out that their nurses are in higher demand at Duke Medical Center and UNC than their own students. Liberty has been blessed. Also, they're huge on the spiritual aspect of the studies. What struck me was people pray every day for every student on campus...and they pray for them by name. I feel that Liberty is somewhere I can be happy, safe, well educated, and spiritually fed. I never wanted to lose my spiritual feeding, and I think Liberty won't allow that to go to wayside. I can't wait to hear from them!

I just pray that God will show me exactly where He wants me to go. I also pray that He shows me what He wants me to do and how He wants me to serve Him. I also pray that I can fall in love with Him again and be the kind of lover I was made to be.

love, hannah <3

"I'm holding on to things I shouldn't, it's time to let them go."

Tonight, I was able to have the opportunity to go to a youth worship service called Audience of One. I've never been and I was really excited to go because not only was a guy I like very much was going to be there, but also because it was an opportunity to worship freely. I know that the first reason shouldn't have been a reason for going at all, but I'm being completely and totally honest in this post--nothing will be left unsaid about this night. I know I should've been going completely for Him and Him alone, but I still went to see this guy too. I also know that worshipping freely has been a problem for me for at least two years because of the bondage I was under and that this would probably be one of the first times in a long time that I'll be able to worship freely and not worry about what other people think.

On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.

Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.

The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.

Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.

So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.

-hannah

"If you like me, then say you like me."

Today is probably one of those days I won't ever forget.

Nothing spectacuarly special happened today, but it was unforgettable nonetheless.

Since I've last posted, there have been tons of things that has happened...like I'm on the volleyball team, I'm back at my home church, I have a new crush on this guy, and my senior year is going pretty amazing so far. There's going to be so many memories of my senior year that I don't ever want to forget. I absolutely love the kids I'm with at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

But let me start with the first thing on that list: I'm on the volleyball team at a school who is known for winning state champions in our NCCAA league for 11 years. 11. years. We have a big shoe to fill! But I absolutely love being on the volleyball team this year. The girls I'm with are awesome, sweet, and just a bunch of good kids. I love hanging out with them, especially at sleepovers. We have some of the most CRAZIEST times ever together. Like tonight, we went to a game at Terra Ceia, which is like in the middle of the middle of nowhere. Afterwards, we went to Golden Corral to eat with the guys. Of course, we soccer/volleyball players had to sit together and made one long table in the middle of the party room at Golden Corral. Just sitting back and watching everyone made me realize how much I'm going to miss these kids. I'm going to miss seeing my friend's faces and laughing at the dumbest things. I absolutely love all the friends I have at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Before we left to go home tonight, the guy's soccer coach decided to challenge the girls to a warrior's chant challenge. Basically, we were to scream as loud as we can warriors or our little "chant" we do before games. Since our little "chant" we do, is "team first!" we didn't exactly want to scream that. Since we girls were a little shy (we were kind of outnumbered compared to the guys...we have 8 varsity girls and like 20 soccer guys), the guys decided to go first. Let me tell you, it was LOUD. The people in the lines at the counters and the section beside the party room all turned and stared at us. The guys then started to challenge us and since we couldn't decide what to do, one of my friends decided to step in and decide for us. While we were deciding, two of my friends began to pretend fight. Immediately, the guys were cheering them on and freaking out since the girls were acting like they were getting ready to really fight. Meanwhile, we girls were laughing since all we do is pretend fight all the time with each other. Finally, we were able to come up with a chant to combat the guys and we won...well, at least I think we won. It wasn't fair that the girls were outnumbered and the guys have deeper voices.

That moment is going to be one of those I'll never want to forget. My senior year is already flying by, and it seems like time is running out. Every time I think about next year, it hits me that I won't be seeing my favorite kids every day anymore. I'll miss them terribly. Other than missing everyone already, my senior year is amazing. Of course, there are a few hitches in it, but it's been pretty awesome. I hang out with the coolest and sweetest kids, I'm constantly singing for chorus and praise team, and I have a major crush on a guy I've liked for a while.

But speaking of this guy, the other night, we were meeting in a room before a volleyball home game. We were being loud and screaming at each other, like always, and I had made the mistake of saying that I didn't like one person, that I liked another. As soon as those words came out of my mouth, three girls literally jumped on me to find out who I liked. One of the girls, hugged me and wouldn't let me go until I said who I liked. The second girl started tickling me to try to get it out of me. Finally, I told them they had to find out by guessing since the only other girl who knew who I liked had to guess. One of the girls complained about not being a great guesser and the other two began asking me questions. One of the girls asked me if he was in the senior class, to which I replied no (how in the world was I supposed to like guys in my class? the only one I would even consider liking is too much like a brother to me!). Another one asked me if he was in eleventh grade, and I replied with a maybe. Since they figured I wouldn't date anyone in any other grades and since they had already asked like three or four questions beforehand, they begged me to tell them. I looked at my friend who knew the answer and told her to tell them. She told the other girls his initials, since the door was kind of open and everyone could hear it if she said his name out loud, and everyone screamed.  I stood there for a while, taking it all in and laughing at everyone, and then I left. Once I came back, everyone was awwing. I couldn't help but laugh, since I knew my secret was out. But the guy is a really good guy, he's sweet, his hilarious, he's outgoing, he loves music, and he loves God...his prayers are amazing...they make me want to cry every time I hear him really, really pray.

But, really, it's what God wants. I'm in one of those states where I'm just waiting to see where God places me and what He has me doing next. Of course, I know where He has me now is just as important as where He's taking me. But things are just a waiting game--waiting to get out of high school and start the next chapter in my life. Of course if God allowed the guy to tell me that he liked me too, I would be the happiest girl alive. I mean I would be the happiest girl alive. You have no idea how happy I would be if the guy showed me definite signs that he liked me too. But again, it's what God wants.

But as you can tell, my senior year is amazing. I can't wait to see what's next! I'll try to keep in touch and keep updating this...it's just so hard with all my homework and other things!

love,
hannah <3

Hurricane Irene

  This past weekend (Friday, August 26-Sunday, August 28, 2011) Hurricane Irene hit the eastern North Carolina coast pretty hard. I just happened to be one the thousands of people Hurricane Irene impacted. We live close to the coast of North Carolina (about an hour or so away from Atlantic Beach) but far enough away that we don't really get hit hard during small tropical storms and hurricanes. On Friday, Irene started to make landfall. During the first few hours of the hurricane, I really thought it was going to be like Hurricane Earl. Hurricane Earl hit eastern North Carolina in 2010 and most of us thought it was a joke. The most we got from the storm was a little rain and some wind. So for the first few hours of Irene, I thought all we were going to get was some rain and some wind. Little did I know, it was going to turn into something more.
  Around 2 a.m. on Saturday, I was able to stay awake and hear her start to really make her way onto shore. When I was studying my Bible right before I went to bed, the winds began to pick up and hit the side of the house. Right when I was shutting off my lights and snuggling into my bed, the rain started falling harder. I happen to have a small air purifier fan in my room which blocks out most of the noises in my house (like our cat, Fat Cat, running around and slamming into doors and walls, our t.v. creaking from being on most of the day, etc.) but when the rain began to pick up, it started to drown out the air purifier.
  As soon as I was able to fall asleep, I was woken back up two hours later. My air purifier was shut off, my ceiling fan had stopped, and my sister was walking down the hall. As soon as I got my bearings, I realized the power was out. Once I got out of the bed, I stayed up until the sun rose behind the clouds at around 6 or 7 a.m. At that point, I was extremely tired after having just 2 hours of sleep that night and fell asleep on my bed for about a few hours.
  When I woke up, my dad had turned on our generator (thank God we had that! I don't know what we would do without it!) and we were running a refrigerator, a freezer, my grandfather's refrigerator, and some cell phone chargers. My dad then proceeded to make a breakfast of eggs and bacon on the grill and my mom, sister, and I proceeded to watch Irene make her mark. Once breakfast was done, my mom and I pulled some beach chairs out from the garage, sat them on our back porch, and ate one of the best breakfasts I've had in my entire life while we watched Irene. Trees were whipping back and forth from the strong winds and the rain was pelting the ground. A few times, I pulled out the video camera to record the impact Irene was making. A few small tree limbs landed on our porch as we sat there. In the background, we could hear the huge tree limbs snapping and landing in the woods.
  Around 1, I decided to take a nap since I still haven't really gotten a lot of sleep. A few hours later, I heard my grandfather come over and say, "You guys need to come here." Of course, we all jumped up and ran over to his house. He pointed to his window and I gasped when I looked out of it. A huge 100 year old oak tree from my neighbor's yard fell on our deck, pool, and slide crushing it completely. The tree was so high up that it passed the roof of my house and it was so big that I couldn't get it all in one picture. Thankfully, it came close to hitting our shed and my grandfather's house but it never touched anything major. There was no physical damage besides the pool and deck, but I know my grandfather was spooked for a while afterwards since he watched the tree fall. After the eye of the storm had passed, we got a phone call from my youth pastor who decided to venture out a little bit. Of course, we were still in the middle of the storm. But my youth pastor told us that our church had a tree fall on our fellowship hall. Since we live two minutes away, my father and I rushed over there. The hurricane had knocked a tall tree into the roof of the church, missing the windows and the ac. Everything was pretty much safe execpt for a few holes in the roof. My father went on the roof and removed a few tree branches that made about four holes in the roof. One of the holes either had the tree limb stuck too far in it or had too much water damage and collapsed part of the roof on the inside. Insulation fell on the wet floor along with the popcorn ceiling. Every one was okay and the men made a make-shift cover-up on the roof while us women cleaned up the insulation and put buckets under the leaks. I took enough pictures for the insurance company once our secretary was ready to file a claim. As far as I know, they had church on Sunday for anyone who was able to come.
  That night, I slept in my bedroom with my bedroom window opened. Luckily Irene had left once we were trying to sleep, and we were able to have a small breeze come through our window. At one point in the night, I was able to look out and see the sky cleared on one side with all the stars shining through and on the other side I could see the last of the clouds make their way out of my neighborhood.
  The next morning, I woke up to our generator being broken. Even though it was 8 in the morning, the heat had already settled in for the day. My grandfather needed help with my grandmother (since hospice wasn't able to come in that day). Since my family went to go fix the generator, I was the only person able to help him. I'll save you the details and just tell you it's something I'll never forget. I really got a look at what it's like being a nurse!
  Later on that day, my family went out to begin clean up while I stayed inside and tried to finish my homework. I was only able to go to school for a half a day (we went back on Thursday) and I already had a load of homework to do. After two hours of algebra 2 honors and chemistry homework, I walked outside to help. At that point, my family was overheated and we decided to settle in the house for a while. Dad cooked hamburgers on the grill and we went out to go look for a piece for our generator. During that time, we went to the local Lowe's and everything was gone. People were placing chainsaws and tarps in the middle of the main asiles since they were in such great demand. Water bottles were in abundace and every power tool for the yard was scraped clean off the shelves. I didn't even check the flashlights! Lowe's didn't have anymore generators, which was in high demand because of how many people that had power outages. We weren't able to find the piece for our generator, but a company out of Charlotte was selling generators out on the side of the road. We picked one up and ran back to Lowe's to get oil for it. My dad just happened to be the last person to get the last two cans of the oil that was left.
  After we got home, we started experiencing a few flickers of our power coming back on. All of our lights would turn on then off and then about 20 minutes later, it would do it again. We figured the electricy company was turning on the power to see what else needed to be fixed. We were all laying around the living room letting the fan run over us. I was laying on the floor and I was so frusterated. I was hot and I haven't had a shower in a few days due to the cold water and the hurricane. I said a quick prayer out loud that went something like this, "Dear God, please let the people turn on our power tonight!" And I kid you not, five minutes later, around 8 p.m., our power turned on for good. My father joked that it was the quickest answer to prayer he has ever seen.
  So for approximately 41 hours we didn't have power. And I know for a fact that there are still thousands of people who don't have power. I've seen pictures of an entire island cut in half because of the water. I've seen worse damage and flooding that other people have gotten. At that moment, I realized how selfish and how spoiled we, as Americans, really are. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people who would love to be able to have a generator, a grill, a refrigerator, and a fan. There are thousands who want a generator, a grill, electricity, and a fan tonight. But instead of thanking God of the provision He had given me so far, I complained about the heat and about not being able to turn on the lights or charge my phone. I felt terrible after I realized how spoiled I really was. I don't ever thank God enough for the provision He has given me so far. He keeps providing the things I need, not the things I want. He knows what I need and when I need it.   
  After this hurricane, I realized we really didn't need the things yet. Of course, it would have been nice to have them, but it made my family grow closer because we didn't want to be alone. So tonight, I give thanks to the Lord who provides. He provides what I need and He'll continue to provide what I need. As we clean up this mess that a hurricane left us, He knows what we'll need and who's help we'll be needing. And as I really start my senior year, a year full of not a lot of sleep and a lot of homework and a lot of volleyball games, He'll provide. He'll stretch me to make me fall on Him. If anything, Hurricane Irene has taught me to never leave Him. He's the One that I need to fall on and to let Him provide for me. He knows what's best for me in every situation, even if that's complete devistation in my homestate and even in my hometown. People are going to need help now, and this is my chance to allow Him work through me to show them His love.

  Of course, I'm going to post a few pictures of the damage Hurricane Irene made. It amazes me that God could create something like that to wake up His children and the surrounding areas. Of course, once there's a huge disaster like this, some people turn to God and are able to His salvation story. I pray for those people who will get that chance during the clean-up period. I pray their hearts and ears will be open to hearing it, to accepting the greatest love gift ever and will really turn their lives to God.

Our pool before (this is taken during the storm)

...and our pool after. Told you it was a huge tree!

The tree ended up taking out another one once it fell. This is just a picture of the two trees. The one closer to the camera is the one the tree took out and the one further away is the actual tree.

One of the trees that snapped in two down at our creek. Surprisingly, our creek didn't rise a lot. We were blessed not to have a lot of flooding!

Just another picture of the oak tree that fell on our pool.

The back and the roots of the tree that fell.

Our church after the tree limb was pulled out. You can actually see the tree out the window.

A huge limb we heard fall while we were watching the hurricane on the back porch.

From this angle, the pool looked fine. This was the only angle we were able to see until the storm was over. Once we were able to see some of the other side (the tree covers most of the the other side), we were shocked to see how bad it was crushed.

The back of our deck and the tree that fell on it. I actually had this one posted on the local news!

A few tree limbs that rolled off my grandfather's house.

More of the root of the tree that fell.

The middle picture of the tree that fell (on the left) and the one that was taken out (on the right) when the one on the left fell

One of the old businesses downtown had this on their window. Each year there was a major hurricane, the owner wrote the name of the hurricane on it and crossed it out after it had passed.  

The tree that fell and part of the one that was taken out.

Our poor pool :(

-hannah.

"The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You."

   I've been reading through the book of Joshua lately. Since I'm reading a chapter a day and recording what I got out of it, I'm only on the seventh chapter. It's been rewarding and really fitting to my life. Themes like obedience, faith, faithfulness, and trust are a common occurrence in my notes. I've also recorded things like, "God can use anyone to carry out His will," "You have to have faith that God will direct your way, even if you can't see anything," "How many times do we obey the word of the Lord?" "How many times do we refuse to follow God?" "Sometimes God lifts us up to become leaders so He gets the glory He deserves," and "Joshua obeyed and was humble." Just by reading these few chapters, my faith seems to grow stronger and I'm growing more and more confident each and every single day. Normally, one would think that's awesome in a teenage girl's life. Don't get me wrong, it is. I would love to see every teenage girl in the world to be immersed in God's word. But for me, it's signs. What I get out of the chapters are all signs of what God's calling me to be...what God's calling me to do....

   Tomorrow, Wednesday, July 20, 2011, I will be leading my youth group's worship for the first time ever. By myself. Every time I've ever done congregational worship, I've always played with someone else and had someone else lead. The only exception to this is that I've lead some form of congregational worship through my church's Children's Church once every three months or so. Even then, I have another older person to get the children to sing and most of the kids quit singing after the first chorus. Of course, the little kids are important. It's important to instill a love for Christ and worship in them at a young age, but there's just something about playing for people your age. It feels like there's more pressure and God expects more out of you. Yes, I know God is pleased with how faithful you are, not how great you are. It's just...I don't know what it is...it kind of feels like a step into something I don't want to be apart of. I really don't want to be apart of leading worship. I'm okay with leading worship with the little kids, I just don't want to move in the direction God's moving me into. But I do know that He has a plan for me already laid out and I just have to ask Him to guide me, even if I don't like it or not. 

   Joshua was a man who followed God with everything he had. It was evident in the way he lived his life. In the first seven chapters of Joshua, I see that Joshua never disobeyed God and His rules. Joshua followed everything God told him to do to the T. Joshua never hesitated, he never procrastinated, he just did. He lead Israel by what God told him to do. And I'm pretty sure Joshua never signed up to be the leader of Israel. God just told Joshua that He had a purpose for him and was going to use him to lead Israel, and of course, Joshua obeyed what God told him. 

  So, of course, I would be reading Joshua at this time. God has a purpose for my life. I may not know what it is or where I'll be going, but He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He knows where I'll be going in the fall of 2012, what classes I'll be taking, whether I'll be rejoicing I got into Duke or whether I'll be crying, who I'll be dating or not dating, what tests I'll excel or fail in, and what field I'll be working in for the rest of my life. I find comfort in knowing that He knows everything. I also find a bit of worry as I know I have no idea about these things. I like to be in control, but I'm learning that I need to let that go. Joshua obeyed every time God told Him to do something, and now it's my turn to obey when God tells me to lead worship. 

   I stumbled upon a few lyrics today and they seemed to fit this blog post and my life:

    "You hold the future in Your hands. You know my dreams and You have a plan. And as You light my way, I'll follow You. My eyes on all of the above, my soul secure in all you've done. My mind's made up, and You are the only one for me. Jesus, Savior, in my life You are everything. My future decided, I will praise Your name. And I know that I am, I am Yours. I know that I am, I am Yours."-My Future Decided by Hillsong United

    "The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You. Today, today, it's all or nothing. All the way. The praise goes out to You, all the praise goes out to You. Today, today, I live for one thing: to give You praise in everything I do. All the praise goes out to You!"-The Time Has Come: Hillsong United

Dear Lord, 

  I want to give everything to You. As I seek to know You more, place the path You want me to walk on before me. Search my heart and show Your face, because You're all I want. I want You to have Your way in my life, even if that means leading worship or not being accepted into Duke University. You know that's my dream and I ask for Your will to be done. You're wonderful, magnificent, glorious, beautiful, and just...words can't describe you. You're indescribable and I'm so happy You picked me up and are molding me to become the woman of God You want me to be. Without You, I am nothing. So direct my paths and make me fall in love with the school You want me to be. Make me fall in love with what You want me to do. Give me a passion for what You want me to do. Make me into who You want me to be, not who I want to be. I praise You for You're the One who will always be with me. You'll never leave me or forsake me. You're my victory and You'll always be with me. Thank You for loving me the way You love me. 

-hannah <3 

"You are holy, great and mighty. The moon and the stars declare who You are. I'm so unworthy, but still You love me."

I'm totally in love with Phil Wickham's song Cannons.  Like if I could get that cd, I would. It would be the kind of cd that I could just jam out and worship down the road to my volunteer job. The song Cannons is pretty amazing and it's the song that made me fall in love with Phil Wickham's music. Normally, at least when it comes to Christian music, I pretty much stay in my comfort zone. But lately, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone in more than one way.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.