Tonight, I was able to have the opportunity to go to a youth worship service called Audience of One. I've never been and I was really excited to go because not only was a guy I like very much was going to be there, but also because it was an opportunity to worship freely. I know that the first reason shouldn't have been a reason for going at all, but I'm being completely and totally honest in this post--nothing will be left unsaid about this night. I know I should've been going completely for Him and Him alone, but I still went to see this guy too. I also know that worshipping freely has been a problem for me for at least two years because of the bondage I was under and that this would probably be one of the first times in a long time that I'll be able to worship freely and not worry about what other people think.
On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.
Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.
The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.
Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.
So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.
-hannah
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
"If you like me, then say you like me."
Today is probably one of those days I won't ever forget.
Nothing spectacuarly special happened today, but it was unforgettable nonetheless.
Since I've last posted, there have been tons of things that has happened...like I'm on the volleyball team, I'm back at my home church, I have a new crush on this guy, and my senior year is going pretty amazing so far. There's going to be so many memories of my senior year that I don't ever want to forget. I absolutely love the kids I'm with at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
But let me start with the first thing on that list: I'm on the volleyball team at a school who is known for winning state champions in our NCCAA league for 11 years. 11. years. We have a big shoe to fill! But I absolutely love being on the volleyball team this year. The girls I'm with are awesome, sweet, and just a bunch of good kids. I love hanging out with them, especially at sleepovers. We have some of the most CRAZIEST times ever together. Like tonight, we went to a game at Terra Ceia, which is like in the middle of the middle of nowhere. Afterwards, we went to Golden Corral to eat with the guys. Of course, we soccer/volleyball players had to sit together and made one long table in the middle of the party room at Golden Corral. Just sitting back and watching everyone made me realize how much I'm going to miss these kids. I'm going to miss seeing my friend's faces and laughing at the dumbest things. I absolutely love all the friends I have at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Before we left to go home tonight, the guy's soccer coach decided to challenge the girls to a warrior's chant challenge. Basically, we were to scream as loud as we can warriors or our little "chant" we do before games. Since our little "chant" we do, is "team first!" we didn't exactly want to scream that. Since we girls were a little shy (we were kind of outnumbered compared to the guys...we have 8 varsity girls and like 20 soccer guys), the guys decided to go first. Let me tell you, it was LOUD. The people in the lines at the counters and the section beside the party room all turned and stared at us. The guys then started to challenge us and since we couldn't decide what to do, one of my friends decided to step in and decide for us. While we were deciding, two of my friends began to pretend fight. Immediately, the guys were cheering them on and freaking out since the girls were acting like they were getting ready to really fight. Meanwhile, we girls were laughing since all we do is pretend fight all the time with each other. Finally, we were able to come up with a chant to combat the guys and we won...well, at least I think we won. It wasn't fair that the girls were outnumbered and the guys have deeper voices.
That moment is going to be one of those I'll never want to forget. My senior year is already flying by, and it seems like time is running out. Every time I think about next year, it hits me that I won't be seeing my favorite kids every day anymore. I'll miss them terribly. Other than missing everyone already, my senior year is amazing. Of course, there are a few hitches in it, but it's been pretty awesome. I hang out with the coolest and sweetest kids, I'm constantly singing for chorus and praise team, and I have a major crush on a guy I've liked for a while.
But speaking of this guy, the other night, we were meeting in a room before a volleyball home game. We were being loud and screaming at each other, like always, and I had made the mistake of saying that I didn't like one person, that I liked another. As soon as those words came out of my mouth, three girls literally jumped on me to find out who I liked. One of the girls, hugged me and wouldn't let me go until I said who I liked. The second girl started tickling me to try to get it out of me. Finally, I told them they had to find out by guessing since the only other girl who knew who I liked had to guess. One of the girls complained about not being a great guesser and the other two began asking me questions. One of the girls asked me if he was in the senior class, to which I replied no (how in the world was I supposed to like guys in my class? the only one I would even consider liking is too much like a brother to me!). Another one asked me if he was in eleventh grade, and I replied with a maybe. Since they figured I wouldn't date anyone in any other grades and since they had already asked like three or four questions beforehand, they begged me to tell them. I looked at my friend who knew the answer and told her to tell them. She told the other girls his initials, since the door was kind of open and everyone could hear it if she said his name out loud, and everyone screamed. I stood there for a while, taking it all in and laughing at everyone, and then I left. Once I came back, everyone was awwing. I couldn't help but laugh, since I knew my secret was out. But the guy is a really good guy, he's sweet, his hilarious, he's outgoing, he loves music, and he loves God...his prayers are amazing...they make me want to cry every time I hear him really, really pray.
But, really, it's what God wants. I'm in one of those states where I'm just waiting to see where God places me and what He has me doing next. Of course, I know where He has me now is just as important as where He's taking me. But things are just a waiting game--waiting to get out of high school and start the next chapter in my life. Of course if God allowed the guy to tell me that he liked me too, I would be the happiest girl alive. I mean I would be the happiest girl alive. You have no idea how happy I would be if the guy showed me definite signs that he liked me too. But again, it's what God wants.
But as you can tell, my senior year is amazing. I can't wait to see what's next! I'll try to keep in touch and keep updating this...it's just so hard with all my homework and other things!
love,
hannah <3
Nothing spectacuarly special happened today, but it was unforgettable nonetheless.
Since I've last posted, there have been tons of things that has happened...like I'm on the volleyball team, I'm back at my home church, I have a new crush on this guy, and my senior year is going pretty amazing so far. There's going to be so many memories of my senior year that I don't ever want to forget. I absolutely love the kids I'm with at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
But let me start with the first thing on that list: I'm on the volleyball team at a school who is known for winning state champions in our NCCAA league for 11 years. 11. years. We have a big shoe to fill! But I absolutely love being on the volleyball team this year. The girls I'm with are awesome, sweet, and just a bunch of good kids. I love hanging out with them, especially at sleepovers. We have some of the most CRAZIEST times ever together. Like tonight, we went to a game at Terra Ceia, which is like in the middle of the middle of nowhere. Afterwards, we went to Golden Corral to eat with the guys. Of course, we soccer/volleyball players had to sit together and made one long table in the middle of the party room at Golden Corral. Just sitting back and watching everyone made me realize how much I'm going to miss these kids. I'm going to miss seeing my friend's faces and laughing at the dumbest things. I absolutely love all the friends I have at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Before we left to go home tonight, the guy's soccer coach decided to challenge the girls to a warrior's chant challenge. Basically, we were to scream as loud as we can warriors or our little "chant" we do before games. Since our little "chant" we do, is "team first!" we didn't exactly want to scream that. Since we girls were a little shy (we were kind of outnumbered compared to the guys...we have 8 varsity girls and like 20 soccer guys), the guys decided to go first. Let me tell you, it was LOUD. The people in the lines at the counters and the section beside the party room all turned and stared at us. The guys then started to challenge us and since we couldn't decide what to do, one of my friends decided to step in and decide for us. While we were deciding, two of my friends began to pretend fight. Immediately, the guys were cheering them on and freaking out since the girls were acting like they were getting ready to really fight. Meanwhile, we girls were laughing since all we do is pretend fight all the time with each other. Finally, we were able to come up with a chant to combat the guys and we won...well, at least I think we won. It wasn't fair that the girls were outnumbered and the guys have deeper voices.
That moment is going to be one of those I'll never want to forget. My senior year is already flying by, and it seems like time is running out. Every time I think about next year, it hits me that I won't be seeing my favorite kids every day anymore. I'll miss them terribly. Other than missing everyone already, my senior year is amazing. Of course, there are a few hitches in it, but it's been pretty awesome. I hang out with the coolest and sweetest kids, I'm constantly singing for chorus and praise team, and I have a major crush on a guy I've liked for a while.
But speaking of this guy, the other night, we were meeting in a room before a volleyball home game. We were being loud and screaming at each other, like always, and I had made the mistake of saying that I didn't like one person, that I liked another. As soon as those words came out of my mouth, three girls literally jumped on me to find out who I liked. One of the girls, hugged me and wouldn't let me go until I said who I liked. The second girl started tickling me to try to get it out of me. Finally, I told them they had to find out by guessing since the only other girl who knew who I liked had to guess. One of the girls complained about not being a great guesser and the other two began asking me questions. One of the girls asked me if he was in the senior class, to which I replied no (how in the world was I supposed to like guys in my class? the only one I would even consider liking is too much like a brother to me!). Another one asked me if he was in eleventh grade, and I replied with a maybe. Since they figured I wouldn't date anyone in any other grades and since they had already asked like three or four questions beforehand, they begged me to tell them. I looked at my friend who knew the answer and told her to tell them. She told the other girls his initials, since the door was kind of open and everyone could hear it if she said his name out loud, and everyone screamed. I stood there for a while, taking it all in and laughing at everyone, and then I left. Once I came back, everyone was awwing. I couldn't help but laugh, since I knew my secret was out. But the guy is a really good guy, he's sweet, his hilarious, he's outgoing, he loves music, and he loves God...his prayers are amazing...they make me want to cry every time I hear him really, really pray.
But, really, it's what God wants. I'm in one of those states where I'm just waiting to see where God places me and what He has me doing next. Of course, I know where He has me now is just as important as where He's taking me. But things are just a waiting game--waiting to get out of high school and start the next chapter in my life. Of course if God allowed the guy to tell me that he liked me too, I would be the happiest girl alive. I mean I would be the happiest girl alive. You have no idea how happy I would be if the guy showed me definite signs that he liked me too. But again, it's what God wants.
But as you can tell, my senior year is amazing. I can't wait to see what's next! I'll try to keep in touch and keep updating this...it's just so hard with all my homework and other things!
love,
hannah <3
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
"You are holy, great and mighty. The moon and the stars declare who You are. I'm so unworthy, but still You love me."
I'm totally in love with Phil Wickham's song Cannons. Like if I could get that cd, I would. It would be the kind of cd that I could just jam out and worship down the road to my volunteer job. The song Cannons is pretty amazing and it's the song that made me fall in love with Phil Wickham's music. Normally, at least when it comes to Christian music, I pretty much stay in my comfort zone. But lately, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone in more than one way.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
"I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful."
I personally think the best way to eat breakfast is outside on a porch, soaking in God's Word as you feed your spiritual needs as well as your physical. I was on my way home from dropping off my sister at tennis camp when all of a sudden that idea hit me. Once I got inside my house, I immediately made a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, grabbed my Bible and a pencil, and sat down on a white rocker on my front porch. Immediately, I knew this was the best idea that I had in a long time. I absolutely loved it! I couldn't help but take in God's creation as I read and prayed. The light blue skies, the cotton ball clouds, the vibrant green grass...all of it was just amazing. It was just like God said, "Here you go, my daughter, this is all for you this morning." There are no words to describe how I felt this morning. I would read a couple of passages and then stop and pray and tell my Father what was really on my mind. And I could just imagine Him sitting in heaven, seated on His throne, smiling down and nodding His head like He wanted to hear every single word I was saying and just listen to me. That's amazing. The Lord of heaven and earth, the One who created me, wants to hear every single word I say. He wants the best for me and wants me to be so close to Him. Can't you just imagine Him whispering in the silence, "My child, let's talk and grow closer to each other." But too often we can't even sit down for two seconds and let the Holy Spirit fall on us and immediately be in God's presence. Don't get me wrong, I'm preaching to myself. Lately, I've been using the excuse that I'm too busy for God when the truth is I don't want to be close to God. I don't want to do the work and sit in the silence and let His Spirit fall on me. So this morning, I stopped everything I was doing and just spent time in His Word and telling Him what's on my mind.
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it. And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.
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Lord, help me to commit my ways to You no matter where that leads me. Lord, You know where I want to go, but only You can show me where You want me to go. My wishes and desires and dreams are Yours, and You know that. Just show me where and I'll go, even if it breaks my heart if it's not Duke.
-hannah
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it. And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.
-hannah
Sunday, June 26, 2011
me, oh, my it's cameron crazy time!
You guys should really see my bed right now. It's quite hilarious. Pamphlets, papers, posters, shirts, maps, and handwritten notes are all spread out across my bed right now just waiting to be read, hung up as encouragement, and prayed about. The parahernalia spread out across my bed is a special group of items that have one thing in common: Duke University.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).
And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!
But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.
So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.
To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.
-hannah.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).
And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!
But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.
So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.
To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.
-hannah.
Friday, June 24, 2011
This will be quick, I promise.
Why hello there :)
So I must apologize for not writing for the past couple of days...okay, you got me, the whole week. It's because I've been so busy between volunteering, church, and more volunteering that I haven't had time to sit down and write. Plus, when I do have time to write, I'm not in the creative mood or it's like midnight and I cannot seem to form a coherent sentence.
But this weekend, there shall be no posts from me (unless I'm really, really nice and must write about my weekend before I forget it all) because I am heading off to Duke University in North Carolina for a tour and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I'm so excited to get started on this trip! I'm a die-hard Duke fan and I've been patiently waiting for this day to come! From what I saw this basketball season, I absolutely love the Duke campus. (I've been going to see the Duke men's basketball team play at Cameron Indoor Stadium this 2010-2011 basketball season and let me tell you, it's been an amazing experience). But this time around, I'll be touring the campus from the viewpoint of a prospective student. :) I'm uber excited! I'm also kind of excited to go drive through UNC. Since UNC doesn't offer weekend tours, I'll have to settle for looking around the area. Though I'm pretty sure that will be okay since I've never set foot on the campus. (Hey, I have a good reason: die-hard Duke fans never go on that campus!) I'll also be looking at the campus as a prospective UNC student...I know, eck. But they've got a good nursing program and a great basketball team!
But I'm just going to be praying that God shows me where He wants me to go. If it's UNC, I'm sure I'll find a way to be okay with it. If it's Duke, He's got to provide the money! I've looked at both online, and they're both amazing schools.... We'll just see where God leads me!
Well, Mom's calling for me to hurry up so we can make it to Raleigh on time. So excited! Just keep me in your prayers as I look at these colleges and pray that God shows me the right path. Pray that He shuts every door except for the one place I should go.
-hannah <3
So I must apologize for not writing for the past couple of days...okay, you got me, the whole week. It's because I've been so busy between volunteering, church, and more volunteering that I haven't had time to sit down and write. Plus, when I do have time to write, I'm not in the creative mood or it's like midnight and I cannot seem to form a coherent sentence.
But this weekend, there shall be no posts from me (unless I'm really, really nice and must write about my weekend before I forget it all) because I am heading off to Duke University in North Carolina for a tour and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I'm so excited to get started on this trip! I'm a die-hard Duke fan and I've been patiently waiting for this day to come! From what I saw this basketball season, I absolutely love the Duke campus. (I've been going to see the Duke men's basketball team play at Cameron Indoor Stadium this 2010-2011 basketball season and let me tell you, it's been an amazing experience). But this time around, I'll be touring the campus from the viewpoint of a prospective student. :) I'm uber excited! I'm also kind of excited to go drive through UNC. Since UNC doesn't offer weekend tours, I'll have to settle for looking around the area. Though I'm pretty sure that will be okay since I've never set foot on the campus. (Hey, I have a good reason: die-hard Duke fans never go on that campus!) I'll also be looking at the campus as a prospective UNC student...I know, eck. But they've got a good nursing program and a great basketball team!
But I'm just going to be praying that God shows me where He wants me to go. If it's UNC, I'm sure I'll find a way to be okay with it. If it's Duke, He's got to provide the money! I've looked at both online, and they're both amazing schools.... We'll just see where God leads me!
Well, Mom's calling for me to hurry up so we can make it to Raleigh on time. So excited! Just keep me in your prayers as I look at these colleges and pray that God shows me the right path. Pray that He shuts every door except for the one place I should go.
-hannah <3
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