"I'm holding on to things I shouldn't, it's time to let them go."

Tonight, I was able to have the opportunity to go to a youth worship service called Audience of One. I've never been and I was really excited to go because not only was a guy I like very much was going to be there, but also because it was an opportunity to worship freely. I know that the first reason shouldn't have been a reason for going at all, but I'm being completely and totally honest in this post--nothing will be left unsaid about this night. I know I should've been going completely for Him and Him alone, but I still went to see this guy too. I also know that worshipping freely has been a problem for me for at least two years because of the bondage I was under and that this would probably be one of the first times in a long time that I'll be able to worship freely and not worry about what other people think.

On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.

Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.

The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.

Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.

So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.

-hannah

"I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful."

I personally think the best way to eat breakfast is outside on a porch, soaking in God's Word as you feed your spiritual needs as well as your physical. I was on my way home from dropping off my sister at tennis camp when all of a sudden that idea hit me. Once I got inside my house, I immediately made a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, grabbed my Bible and a pencil, and sat down on a white rocker on my front porch. Immediately, I knew this was the best idea that I had in a long time. I absolutely loved it! I couldn't help but take in God's creation as I read and prayed. The light blue skies, the cotton ball clouds, the vibrant green grass...all of it was just amazing. It was just like God said, "Here you go, my daughter, this is all for you this morning." There are no words to describe how I felt this morning. I would read a couple of passages and then stop and pray and tell my Father what was really on my mind. And I could just imagine Him sitting in heaven, seated on His throne, smiling down and nodding His head like He wanted to hear every single word I was saying and just listen to me. That's amazing. The Lord of heaven and earth, the One who created me, wants to hear every single word I say. He wants the best for me and wants me to be so close to Him. Can't you just imagine Him whispering in the silence, "My child, let's talk and grow closer to each other." But too often we can't even sit down for two seconds and let the Holy Spirit fall on us and immediately be in God's presence. Don't get me wrong, I'm preaching to myself. Lately, I've been using the excuse that I'm too busy for God when the truth is I don't want to be close to God. I don't want to do the work and sit in the silence and let His Spirit fall on me. So this morning, I stopped everything I was doing and just spent time in His Word and telling Him what's on my mind.
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it.  And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.

Lord, help me to commit my ways to You no matter where that leads me. Lord, You know where I want to go, but only You can show me where You want me to go. My wishes and desires and dreams are Yours, and You know that. Just show me where and I'll go, even if it breaks my heart if it's not Duke.
-hannah

Father's Day 2011

Happy Father's Day!

God has blessed me with such an amazing father! I am so proud to be his daughter :)

This Father's Day, I surprised my daddy with a card and a handwritten letter. I've always been told that handwritten letters are so much better than Hallmark cards because, "they come from the heart and anyone can write a Hallmark card." And after looking in our local Hallmark store for twenty minutes, I could not find a card that said everything I wanted to say. Of course, I bought one card just for the sake of giving my dad something to open when he opened his presents but it wasn't all that I wanted to tell him. So at midnight on Sunday, I decided that I was going to write my father a letter and leave it on his desk so when he got up to study that morning, he would be surprised. But little did I know that I would be the one crying over the letter. Normally, I can write really heartfelt letters and not shed a single tear, but this was the first one I actually cried over. A lot of things have happened in the past year that brought me closer to my family and especially my father. So knowing that so much has happened to make me love my daddy even more and knowing that I only have this summer and next with him before I'm pretty much on my own, I cried. My dad means the world to me and I just don't know what I would do without him...especially when he comes in and hug me while I cry over a broken heart, when he fills up my gas tank when I'm almost on empty, when he takes me to go be huge Duke fanatics and sit in Cameron Indoor Stadium and soak up the Duke Basketball atmosphere, and when he just show me love. I don't know what I would do without his teaching, guiding, correcting, and advice on playing guitar and other spiritual/ God-given talent things. Really, I have no idea what I would do without my father.
That being said, this Father's Day was special to me and to my father. I know the letter started out his morning right, but what really topped off the day was the chance to be able to play guitar and to sing with his two daughters. I know that singing with my dad and sister and worshipping my heavenly Father this morning made my whole day. Really, words cannot describe what it's like to stand in front of a body of believers, sing and play guitar with your sister and daddy, and worship the Savior at the same time knowing that He's smiling down on you saying, "That's my girl." It's soooo amazing. I wish everyone had the opportunity to be able to know what it's like to do something like that! 
So today, I want to just give God all the glory and praise He deserves. He gave me such an amazing earthly father that I could never replace. No other guy in my life will ever replace my earthly daddy! He also deserves all the praise because He showed my daddy what it means to be a father and how my daddy should lead his house full of girls. God knows exactly what I need! I could never thank Him enough for everything in my life, especially for a father who decided to stay, to stick it out, to learn how to love properly, and to love me for who I am. Really, even though we call my sister my dad's "second chance," I think he did a perfectly fine job with me the first time around. :)


Thanks, daddy, for all that you do, who you are to me, and the godly example you are! I love you so much! 


And thank You, my heavenly Father, for constantly giving me blessings I don't deserve. Thank You for my earthly father and I cannot wait to see You face-to-face one day! You're all that I want and need! 


-hannah <3