"The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You."

   I've been reading through the book of Joshua lately. Since I'm reading a chapter a day and recording what I got out of it, I'm only on the seventh chapter. It's been rewarding and really fitting to my life. Themes like obedience, faith, faithfulness, and trust are a common occurrence in my notes. I've also recorded things like, "God can use anyone to carry out His will," "You have to have faith that God will direct your way, even if you can't see anything," "How many times do we obey the word of the Lord?" "How many times do we refuse to follow God?" "Sometimes God lifts us up to become leaders so He gets the glory He deserves," and "Joshua obeyed and was humble." Just by reading these few chapters, my faith seems to grow stronger and I'm growing more and more confident each and every single day. Normally, one would think that's awesome in a teenage girl's life. Don't get me wrong, it is. I would love to see every teenage girl in the world to be immersed in God's word. But for me, it's signs. What I get out of the chapters are all signs of what God's calling me to be...what God's calling me to do....

   Tomorrow, Wednesday, July 20, 2011, I will be leading my youth group's worship for the first time ever. By myself. Every time I've ever done congregational worship, I've always played with someone else and had someone else lead. The only exception to this is that I've lead some form of congregational worship through my church's Children's Church once every three months or so. Even then, I have another older person to get the children to sing and most of the kids quit singing after the first chorus. Of course, the little kids are important. It's important to instill a love for Christ and worship in them at a young age, but there's just something about playing for people your age. It feels like there's more pressure and God expects more out of you. Yes, I know God is pleased with how faithful you are, not how great you are. It's just...I don't know what it is...it kind of feels like a step into something I don't want to be apart of. I really don't want to be apart of leading worship. I'm okay with leading worship with the little kids, I just don't want to move in the direction God's moving me into. But I do know that He has a plan for me already laid out and I just have to ask Him to guide me, even if I don't like it or not. 

   Joshua was a man who followed God with everything he had. It was evident in the way he lived his life. In the first seven chapters of Joshua, I see that Joshua never disobeyed God and His rules. Joshua followed everything God told him to do to the T. Joshua never hesitated, he never procrastinated, he just did. He lead Israel by what God told him to do. And I'm pretty sure Joshua never signed up to be the leader of Israel. God just told Joshua that He had a purpose for him and was going to use him to lead Israel, and of course, Joshua obeyed what God told him. 

  So, of course, I would be reading Joshua at this time. God has a purpose for my life. I may not know what it is or where I'll be going, but He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He knows where I'll be going in the fall of 2012, what classes I'll be taking, whether I'll be rejoicing I got into Duke or whether I'll be crying, who I'll be dating or not dating, what tests I'll excel or fail in, and what field I'll be working in for the rest of my life. I find comfort in knowing that He knows everything. I also find a bit of worry as I know I have no idea about these things. I like to be in control, but I'm learning that I need to let that go. Joshua obeyed every time God told Him to do something, and now it's my turn to obey when God tells me to lead worship. 

   I stumbled upon a few lyrics today and they seemed to fit this blog post and my life:

    "You hold the future in Your hands. You know my dreams and You have a plan. And as You light my way, I'll follow You. My eyes on all of the above, my soul secure in all you've done. My mind's made up, and You are the only one for me. Jesus, Savior, in my life You are everything. My future decided, I will praise Your name. And I know that I am, I am Yours. I know that I am, I am Yours."-My Future Decided by Hillsong United

    "The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You. Today, today, it's all or nothing. All the way. The praise goes out to You, all the praise goes out to You. Today, today, I live for one thing: to give You praise in everything I do. All the praise goes out to You!"-The Time Has Come: Hillsong United

Dear Lord, 

  I want to give everything to You. As I seek to know You more, place the path You want me to walk on before me. Search my heart and show Your face, because You're all I want. I want You to have Your way in my life, even if that means leading worship or not being accepted into Duke University. You know that's my dream and I ask for Your will to be done. You're wonderful, magnificent, glorious, beautiful, and just...words can't describe you. You're indescribable and I'm so happy You picked me up and are molding me to become the woman of God You want me to be. Without You, I am nothing. So direct my paths and make me fall in love with the school You want me to be. Make me fall in love with what You want me to do. Give me a passion for what You want me to do. Make me into who You want me to be, not who I want to be. I praise You for You're the One who will always be with me. You'll never leave me or forsake me. You're my victory and You'll always be with me. Thank You for loving me the way You love me. 

-hannah <3 

"You are holy, great and mighty. The moon and the stars declare who You are. I'm so unworthy, but still You love me."

I'm totally in love with Phil Wickham's song Cannons.  Like if I could get that cd, I would. It would be the kind of cd that I could just jam out and worship down the road to my volunteer job. The song Cannons is pretty amazing and it's the song that made me fall in love with Phil Wickham's music. Normally, at least when it comes to Christian music, I pretty much stay in my comfort zone. But lately, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone in more than one way.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.