Remember when all I wanted was to go to Duke University? Every post had something to do with Duke and how badly I wanted to be apart of the blue devils. I wanted to sit on that lawn and study my anatomy homework. I wanted to be a Cameron Crazy and cheer on Seth Curry, Andre Dawkins, Josh Hairston, Marshall, Miles, and Mason Plumlee as they lead the Duke blue devils to victory. I wanted to go to the after game bonfires and I wanted to proudly wear the royal blue and white. I wanted to study under some of the best professors in the world. I wanted to do Duke Engage and travel across the world doing research.
But as of today, my entire view of colleges has changed.
Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 1, 2011, is the early decision deadline for Duke University. And guess who is not applying?
This girl.
After a long discussion with my parents, I have decided to cancel my Duke University application and not complete the rest of the application. And, really, I don't have any regrets. I'm not in love with Duke anymore. I don't have a heart to study under some of the best professors anymore. I don't have a heart to travel the world through Duke Engage doing research. I don't have a passion to study on the lawn of Duke. I want something different, I want to follow what He has for me.
I always feared that something like this would happen. When I was so excited for Duke during the summer, my biggest fear was falling in love with a different school...falling in love with a plan I'm pretty sure God has set before me. Even though I haven't been the kind of Christian...the kind of lover...the kind of bride of Christ I need to be (I haven't been reading God's Word, praying like I should, and filling my mind with Him), I have seen this coming for a while. I've prayed over and over again about what God wants me to do in life. And every time I pray that prayer, an opportunity to lead worship comes up. Between school praise team, a youth leader who wants me to lead worship (but I haven't been able to since I've been so busy with basketball and volleyball practice...and I'm sincerely sorry. I know where I need to be, but I can't ever find time to get there. And it's completely my fault.), and a lady whom I've respected for most of my life wants me to lead sunday night worship for at least one night soon, I think my answer has come. I've lead youth worship a time or two this year. I've been one of the people playing in youth worship for most of my two years at my old church, I've been one of the people playing in church worship for most of my two years at my old church, and I'm beginning to play during worship at my home church again. I love music and I love leading worship. As much as I hate seeing what a worship leader goes through and knowing that this might be where God wants me to be, I still love leading worship. I love the fact that God changes us constantly. He changes our minds and He allows us to fall in love with His plan and forget our own. I was afraid that Duke would fall to the wayside this school year, and my biggest fear has come true. But I know this is where I need to be. Duke is not going to be my home, and no matter how hard I tried to make it be my home, it never will be. It will always be a place where I love the athletics, but I can never call it home. And that's perfectly fine with me.
Liberty University is where I feel God is calling me. It's starting to feel like home, even though I'm miles and miles away from it. God is there, there's no doubt about that. I talked to a recruiter today and all of my Liberty University questions were answered. Apparently, their music ministry program is HUGE. I'll get everything I ever wanted out of the program and about 2-3 churches a day call Liberty for worship leaders. People like TobyMac, Relient K, and Avalon came out of Liberty's music program. Their journalism program is also one of the best. I also found out that their nurses are in higher demand at Duke Medical Center and UNC than their own students. Liberty has been blessed. Also, they're huge on the spiritual aspect of the studies. What struck me was people pray every day for every student on campus...and they pray for them by name. I feel that Liberty is somewhere I can be happy, safe, well educated, and spiritually fed. I never wanted to lose my spiritual feeding, and I think Liberty won't allow that to go to wayside. I can't wait to hear from them!
I just pray that God will show me exactly where He wants me to go. I also pray that He shows me what He wants me to do and how He wants me to serve Him. I also pray that I can fall in love with Him again and be the kind of lover I was made to be.
love, hannah <3
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
"I'm holding on to things I shouldn't, it's time to let them go."
Tonight, I was able to have the opportunity to go to a youth worship service called Audience of One. I've never been and I was really excited to go because not only was a guy I like very much was going to be there, but also because it was an opportunity to worship freely. I know that the first reason shouldn't have been a reason for going at all, but I'm being completely and totally honest in this post--nothing will be left unsaid about this night. I know I should've been going completely for Him and Him alone, but I still went to see this guy too. I also know that worshipping freely has been a problem for me for at least two years because of the bondage I was under and that this would probably be one of the first times in a long time that I'll be able to worship freely and not worry about what other people think.
On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.
Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.
The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.
Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.
So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.
-hannah
On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.
Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.
The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.
Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.
So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.
-hannah
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