"You are holy, great and mighty. The moon and the stars declare who You are. I'm so unworthy, but still You love me."

I'm totally in love with Phil Wickham's song Cannons.  Like if I could get that cd, I would. It would be the kind of cd that I could just jam out and worship down the road to my volunteer job. The song Cannons is pretty amazing and it's the song that made me fall in love with Phil Wickham's music. Normally, at least when it comes to Christian music, I pretty much stay in my comfort zone. But lately, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone in more than one way.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.

"I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful."

I personally think the best way to eat breakfast is outside on a porch, soaking in God's Word as you feed your spiritual needs as well as your physical. I was on my way home from dropping off my sister at tennis camp when all of a sudden that idea hit me. Once I got inside my house, I immediately made a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, grabbed my Bible and a pencil, and sat down on a white rocker on my front porch. Immediately, I knew this was the best idea that I had in a long time. I absolutely loved it! I couldn't help but take in God's creation as I read and prayed. The light blue skies, the cotton ball clouds, the vibrant green grass...all of it was just amazing. It was just like God said, "Here you go, my daughter, this is all for you this morning." There are no words to describe how I felt this morning. I would read a couple of passages and then stop and pray and tell my Father what was really on my mind. And I could just imagine Him sitting in heaven, seated on His throne, smiling down and nodding His head like He wanted to hear every single word I was saying and just listen to me. That's amazing. The Lord of heaven and earth, the One who created me, wants to hear every single word I say. He wants the best for me and wants me to be so close to Him. Can't you just imagine Him whispering in the silence, "My child, let's talk and grow closer to each other." But too often we can't even sit down for two seconds and let the Holy Spirit fall on us and immediately be in God's presence. Don't get me wrong, I'm preaching to myself. Lately, I've been using the excuse that I'm too busy for God when the truth is I don't want to be close to God. I don't want to do the work and sit in the silence and let His Spirit fall on me. So this morning, I stopped everything I was doing and just spent time in His Word and telling Him what's on my mind.
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it.  And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.

Lord, help me to commit my ways to You no matter where that leads me. Lord, You know where I want to go, but only You can show me where You want me to go. My wishes and desires and dreams are Yours, and You know that. Just show me where and I'll go, even if it breaks my heart if it's not Duke.
-hannah

me, oh, my it's cameron crazy time!

You guys should really see my bed right now. It's quite hilarious. Pamphlets, papers, posters, shirts, maps, and handwritten notes are all spread out across my bed right now just waiting to be read, hung up as encouragement, and prayed about. The parahernalia spread out across my bed is a special group of items that have one thing in common: Duke University.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).

And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!

But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.

So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.

To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.

-hannah.

Father's Day 2011

Happy Father's Day!

God has blessed me with such an amazing father! I am so proud to be his daughter :)

This Father's Day, I surprised my daddy with a card and a handwritten letter. I've always been told that handwritten letters are so much better than Hallmark cards because, "they come from the heart and anyone can write a Hallmark card." And after looking in our local Hallmark store for twenty minutes, I could not find a card that said everything I wanted to say. Of course, I bought one card just for the sake of giving my dad something to open when he opened his presents but it wasn't all that I wanted to tell him. So at midnight on Sunday, I decided that I was going to write my father a letter and leave it on his desk so when he got up to study that morning, he would be surprised. But little did I know that I would be the one crying over the letter. Normally, I can write really heartfelt letters and not shed a single tear, but this was the first one I actually cried over. A lot of things have happened in the past year that brought me closer to my family and especially my father. So knowing that so much has happened to make me love my daddy even more and knowing that I only have this summer and next with him before I'm pretty much on my own, I cried. My dad means the world to me and I just don't know what I would do without him...especially when he comes in and hug me while I cry over a broken heart, when he fills up my gas tank when I'm almost on empty, when he takes me to go be huge Duke fanatics and sit in Cameron Indoor Stadium and soak up the Duke Basketball atmosphere, and when he just show me love. I don't know what I would do without his teaching, guiding, correcting, and advice on playing guitar and other spiritual/ God-given talent things. Really, I have no idea what I would do without my father.
That being said, this Father's Day was special to me and to my father. I know the letter started out his morning right, but what really topped off the day was the chance to be able to play guitar and to sing with his two daughters. I know that singing with my dad and sister and worshipping my heavenly Father this morning made my whole day. Really, words cannot describe what it's like to stand in front of a body of believers, sing and play guitar with your sister and daddy, and worship the Savior at the same time knowing that He's smiling down on you saying, "That's my girl." It's soooo amazing. I wish everyone had the opportunity to be able to know what it's like to do something like that! 
So today, I want to just give God all the glory and praise He deserves. He gave me such an amazing earthly father that I could never replace. No other guy in my life will ever replace my earthly daddy! He also deserves all the praise because He showed my daddy what it means to be a father and how my daddy should lead his house full of girls. God knows exactly what I need! I could never thank Him enough for everything in my life, especially for a father who decided to stay, to stick it out, to learn how to love properly, and to love me for who I am. Really, even though we call my sister my dad's "second chance," I think he did a perfectly fine job with me the first time around. :)


Thanks, daddy, for all that you do, who you are to me, and the godly example you are! I love you so much! 


And thank You, my heavenly Father, for constantly giving me blessings I don't deserve. Thank You for my earthly father and I cannot wait to see You face-to-face one day! You're all that I want and need! 


-hannah <3

why

I still haven't really figured out why I wanted to re-start my blogging experience. I had a blog before, but silly little me forgot the e-mail and the password I used to access the blog. The little sheet of paper I wrote the e-mail and password on has to be in my desk somewhere....but I'm pretty sure I'll never find it again. But back to the subject. I've given much thought about why I want to start a blog again, to take up a great chore of attempting to write every single day, and there's only three reasons I could come up with:
1. I want to glorify God in everything I do, and blogging will allow me to use the writing talent He has given me to His glory and His honor.
2. I'm a senior. I know, FINALLY! :) I want to write down my experiences of the summer before senior year and my senior year for the purpose of looking back at it during the years and laugh at myself.
3. I have this dream of becoming a writer, a blogger, and a person who loves coffee. I'm not a published writer (I do write a whole lot, just ask my family and ex-boyfriend [and best friend] who could not and still cannot stand the love story I write), I'm starting my first blog, and I hate coffee so I think this will be one step in that direction. :)

But now that you know the reasons on writing the blog, I think you should know a little bit about me. As was previously mentioned, I am offically a senior. I am also a Christian and I want to know God so well and I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I do fail all the time in my pursuit of becoming a woman after God's heart, but I know He still loves me and will still pick me up off the floor when I fall. My God is amazing, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. Not only has God blessed me with an amazing family and life, but He's also blessed me with a talent for music. I love to play guitar and sing, especially with my dad. I also have a desire to play piano. I've had two attempts to learn the piano, but each time I give up way too soon. As was previously mentioned, I'm also a writer and in the future, I want to become a published writer just like my favorite Christian writer, Erynn Mangum (http://erynnm.blogspot.com/). Speaking of the future, only God knows what's ahead. I only have one more year of high school and then I'm off to college at whatever school God has prepared for me. He already knows what seat I'll sit in on the first day of college, what field I'll be majoring in (maybe the crazy double major of nursing and marine biology my Mom and I joked about today), who I'll be dating, who's going to be the friends that keep me close to God, and what dorm room I'll be in. I love the fact that He has everything under control, knows the best place for me to be, and I don't have to worry about anything. That's such an amazing feeling!

So, Lord, I give you this blog. Just like everything else in my life, I ask You to use this for Your glory and honor and let this be something people can look at and realize that You are truly in control of everything and You are the only way to heaven (John 14:6). Be lifted up and glorified through this!

hannah <3