"Waiting here for You with our hands lifted high in praise. And it's You we adore singing alleluia."

Remember when all I wanted was to go to Duke University? Every post had something to do with Duke and how badly I wanted to be apart of the blue devils. I wanted to sit on that lawn and study my anatomy homework. I wanted to be a Cameron Crazy and cheer on Seth Curry, Andre Dawkins, Josh Hairston, Marshall, Miles, and Mason Plumlee as they lead the Duke blue devils to victory. I wanted to go to the after game bonfires and I wanted to proudly wear the royal blue and white. I wanted to study under some of the best professors in the world. I wanted to do Duke Engage and travel across the world doing research.

But as of today, my entire view of colleges has changed.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 1, 2011, is the early decision deadline for Duke University. And guess who is not applying?

This girl.

After a long discussion with my parents, I have decided to cancel my Duke University application and not complete the rest of the application. And, really, I don't have any regrets. I'm not in love with Duke anymore. I don't have a heart to study under some of the best professors anymore. I don't have a heart to travel the world through Duke Engage doing research. I don't have a passion to study on the lawn of Duke. I want something different, I want to follow what He has for me.

I always feared that something like this would happen. When I was so excited for Duke during the summer, my biggest fear was falling in love with a different school...falling in love with a plan I'm pretty sure God has set before me. Even though I haven't been the kind of Christian...the kind of lover...the kind of bride of Christ I need to be (I haven't been reading God's Word, praying like I should, and filling my mind with Him), I have seen this coming for a while. I've prayed over and over again about what God wants me to do in life. And every time I pray that prayer, an opportunity to lead worship comes up. Between school praise team, a youth leader who wants me to lead worship (but I haven't been able to since I've been so busy with basketball and volleyball practice...and I'm sincerely sorry. I know where I need to be, but I can't ever find time to get there. And it's completely my fault.), and a lady whom I've respected for most of my life wants me to lead sunday night worship for at least one night soon,  I think my answer has come. I've lead youth worship a time or two this year. I've been one of the people playing in youth worship for most of my two years at my old church, I've been one of the people playing in church worship for most of my two years at my old church, and I'm beginning to play during worship at my home church again. I love music and I love leading worship. As much as I hate seeing what a worship leader goes through and knowing that this might be where God wants me to be, I still love leading worship. I love the fact that God changes us constantly. He changes our minds and He allows us to fall in love with His plan and forget our own. I was afraid that Duke would fall to the wayside this school year, and my biggest fear has come true. But I know this is where I need to be. Duke is not going to be my home, and no matter how hard I tried to make it be my home, it never will be. It will always be a place where I love the athletics, but I can never call it home. And that's perfectly fine with me.

Liberty University is where I feel God is calling me. It's starting to feel like home, even though I'm miles and miles away from it. God is there, there's no doubt about that. I talked to a recruiter today and all of my Liberty University questions were answered. Apparently, their music ministry program is HUGE. I'll get everything I ever wanted out of the program and about 2-3 churches a day call Liberty for worship leaders. People like TobyMac, Relient K, and Avalon came out of Liberty's music program. Their journalism program is also one of the best. I also found out that their nurses are in higher demand at Duke Medical Center and UNC than their own students. Liberty has been blessed. Also, they're huge on the spiritual aspect of the studies. What struck me was people pray every day for every student on campus...and they pray for them by name. I feel that Liberty is somewhere I can be happy, safe, well educated, and spiritually fed. I never wanted to lose my spiritual feeding, and I think Liberty won't allow that to go to wayside. I can't wait to hear from them!

I just pray that God will show me exactly where He wants me to go. I also pray that He shows me what He wants me to do and how He wants me to serve Him. I also pray that I can fall in love with Him again and be the kind of lover I was made to be.

love, hannah <3

"The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You."

   I've been reading through the book of Joshua lately. Since I'm reading a chapter a day and recording what I got out of it, I'm only on the seventh chapter. It's been rewarding and really fitting to my life. Themes like obedience, faith, faithfulness, and trust are a common occurrence in my notes. I've also recorded things like, "God can use anyone to carry out His will," "You have to have faith that God will direct your way, even if you can't see anything," "How many times do we obey the word of the Lord?" "How many times do we refuse to follow God?" "Sometimes God lifts us up to become leaders so He gets the glory He deserves," and "Joshua obeyed and was humble." Just by reading these few chapters, my faith seems to grow stronger and I'm growing more and more confident each and every single day. Normally, one would think that's awesome in a teenage girl's life. Don't get me wrong, it is. I would love to see every teenage girl in the world to be immersed in God's word. But for me, it's signs. What I get out of the chapters are all signs of what God's calling me to be...what God's calling me to do....

   Tomorrow, Wednesday, July 20, 2011, I will be leading my youth group's worship for the first time ever. By myself. Every time I've ever done congregational worship, I've always played with someone else and had someone else lead. The only exception to this is that I've lead some form of congregational worship through my church's Children's Church once every three months or so. Even then, I have another older person to get the children to sing and most of the kids quit singing after the first chorus. Of course, the little kids are important. It's important to instill a love for Christ and worship in them at a young age, but there's just something about playing for people your age. It feels like there's more pressure and God expects more out of you. Yes, I know God is pleased with how faithful you are, not how great you are. It's just...I don't know what it is...it kind of feels like a step into something I don't want to be apart of. I really don't want to be apart of leading worship. I'm okay with leading worship with the little kids, I just don't want to move in the direction God's moving me into. But I do know that He has a plan for me already laid out and I just have to ask Him to guide me, even if I don't like it or not. 

   Joshua was a man who followed God with everything he had. It was evident in the way he lived his life. In the first seven chapters of Joshua, I see that Joshua never disobeyed God and His rules. Joshua followed everything God told him to do to the T. Joshua never hesitated, he never procrastinated, he just did. He lead Israel by what God told him to do. And I'm pretty sure Joshua never signed up to be the leader of Israel. God just told Joshua that He had a purpose for him and was going to use him to lead Israel, and of course, Joshua obeyed what God told him. 

  So, of course, I would be reading Joshua at this time. God has a purpose for my life. I may not know what it is or where I'll be going, but He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He knows where I'll be going in the fall of 2012, what classes I'll be taking, whether I'll be rejoicing I got into Duke or whether I'll be crying, who I'll be dating or not dating, what tests I'll excel or fail in, and what field I'll be working in for the rest of my life. I find comfort in knowing that He knows everything. I also find a bit of worry as I know I have no idea about these things. I like to be in control, but I'm learning that I need to let that go. Joshua obeyed every time God told Him to do something, and now it's my turn to obey when God tells me to lead worship. 

   I stumbled upon a few lyrics today and they seemed to fit this blog post and my life:

    "You hold the future in Your hands. You know my dreams and You have a plan. And as You light my way, I'll follow You. My eyes on all of the above, my soul secure in all you've done. My mind's made up, and You are the only one for me. Jesus, Savior, in my life You are everything. My future decided, I will praise Your name. And I know that I am, I am Yours. I know that I am, I am Yours."-My Future Decided by Hillsong United

    "The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You. Today, today, it's all or nothing. All the way. The praise goes out to You, all the praise goes out to You. Today, today, I live for one thing: to give You praise in everything I do. All the praise goes out to You!"-The Time Has Come: Hillsong United

Dear Lord, 

  I want to give everything to You. As I seek to know You more, place the path You want me to walk on before me. Search my heart and show Your face, because You're all I want. I want You to have Your way in my life, even if that means leading worship or not being accepted into Duke University. You know that's my dream and I ask for Your will to be done. You're wonderful, magnificent, glorious, beautiful, and just...words can't describe you. You're indescribable and I'm so happy You picked me up and are molding me to become the woman of God You want me to be. Without You, I am nothing. So direct my paths and make me fall in love with the school You want me to be. Make me fall in love with what You want me to do. Give me a passion for what You want me to do. Make me into who You want me to be, not who I want to be. I praise You for You're the One who will always be with me. You'll never leave me or forsake me. You're my victory and You'll always be with me. Thank You for loving me the way You love me. 

-hannah <3 

Excited-ness.

Oh my goodness. I am so excited! I just realized that I'm just another month away from starting my senior year and preparing for college! College seems to be on my mind a whole lot lately...like a whole lot. Take for example: today, my aunt in Chicago called my mom. During the phone call, they start talking about me and college and where I want to go. Well, certain events happened and I ended up with the phone in my hand, talking to her. Since she's already had two of her own children to go through college, she started telling me all this stuff that I get to look forward to doing and what stuff that I'm up against when it comes to Duke. She told me all about SAT prep courses, competition in Chicago which made me think about the competition I have to face around the world when it comes to getting into Duke, and volunteer service hours. After the phone call, I was completely overwhelmed with information and wanted to go hide under a rock and be a hermit the rest of my life. There's no way I'm getting into Duke! It's crazy that kids have been working on this stuff since they started middle school! Of course, I already knew this, but I happened to be one of those kids who didn't find this out until after middle school. You see, the school I went to for most of my life never told us about this stuff. I'm pretty sure that since they were so far back in the seventies, they didn't even know how competitive everything is! I'm not even joking. My first school was soo far back that they thought college was still an easy thing to get into. Wrong they are! So now I'm far behind on everything when it comes to being competitive. I'm pretty sure that the only way I can get into Duke would be for them to really like my personality, my leadership skills, what I bring to the table, and take into consideration the academic life I have lived and what restrictions were placed on me. But most of all, the only reason I'll ever get into Duke is by the grace of God. Only He can place me there. But I'm really afraid that He's going to send me somewhere I don't love. Because, you all know, I love Duke. I'm just afraid that just because I love Duke, He'll send me somewhere else. Really, that's been the story of my life. I've had cheerleading captain and volleyball captain taken from me (because my school closed down...that's another story), I never heard about Duke's TIP program or anything like that, and I've never been able to really be where I want because God always sends me to the places I don't love. And really, that's my biggest fear. I'll cry my heart out if I don't get accepted to Duke because I already love it.
But enough of the sad story and back to the title of this blog post. I'm soo excited! Today, I was talking to mom about college (it seems like that topic is always in our conversation these days) and how much money she'll be spending on me next year. Between many SATs, multiple ACTs, college dorm room supplies, senior trip, sports fees, graduation gowns, graduation cards, a yearbook, a new backpack (hopefully!), college application fees, and class of 2012 clothing, it seems like our money will be dwindling this year. So, we came up with a plan. In order for us not to spend sooo much money at one time, she has given me the okay to go ahead and start collecting my college dorm room supplies one at a time. So of course, the girl in me is screaming, "Yes! A chance to go shopping for cool college stuff!"  Trust me, you don't know how excited I am to start collecting stuff for college! It just makes everything feel so real! I'm just overly excited that I can start collecting things for college and start requesting gift cards to places like PBteen (my Chicago auntie can help me with a gift card from there since she shops there for her daughter), Target, and Wal-Mart for my birthday and Christmas and any other occasion I can use to get stuff for college. And, being the nerd I am, I've already made a list of things I need to take when I go to college. Don't worry, I've made a list of all the deadlines for the college applications, too. Well, at least those I can access now. Some schools I'm planning on applying to won't let me access the deadlines and applications until the first of August. But I do have my priorities straight when it comes to that stuff.
I can only pray that God leads me where He wants me to go. And trust me, every chance I get I'm praying about Duke. I'm praying that He'll protect my heart when it comes to application time and when it comes to getting the letters in the mail. I'm praying that there won't be so many tears, that there will be more laughter and joy than tears. I'm praying that He'll show me the way and show me where He wants me to go. I'm praying that He'll shut all the doors except the one school I'm supposed to go to. And I hope you guys will be nice enough to pray that with me too.
-hannah.
p.s. For those of you who don't know what Duke looks like...here's a sneak peak. :)
      


This picture is a picture of one of the dorms on West Campus. West Campus is home to the sophomores, juniors, and seniors. This particular dorm was blocked off by a fraternity, I believe. Since Duke asks for all students to stay on campus for three years, what the fraternities and sororities at Duke do is block off a section of the dorms and dedicate it to their fraternity or sorority by living together with their brothers and sisters, respectively.





That's the famous Duke Chapel. It's so amazingly beautiful! The entire West Campus has the same gothic theme as what you see here, and the gothic theme is so beautiful! Why wouldn't someone want to go there?



This is one of the dorm "hallways." Over to the left, you can see the door that leads to the inside of the actual dorm hallway. Duke had set up a dorm so we would be able to see what exactly everything looked like. But, if you were to walk straight out of the "hallway," you would come to the courtyard of the first picture.

"I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful."

I personally think the best way to eat breakfast is outside on a porch, soaking in God's Word as you feed your spiritual needs as well as your physical. I was on my way home from dropping off my sister at tennis camp when all of a sudden that idea hit me. Once I got inside my house, I immediately made a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, grabbed my Bible and a pencil, and sat down on a white rocker on my front porch. Immediately, I knew this was the best idea that I had in a long time. I absolutely loved it! I couldn't help but take in God's creation as I read and prayed. The light blue skies, the cotton ball clouds, the vibrant green grass...all of it was just amazing. It was just like God said, "Here you go, my daughter, this is all for you this morning." There are no words to describe how I felt this morning. I would read a couple of passages and then stop and pray and tell my Father what was really on my mind. And I could just imagine Him sitting in heaven, seated on His throne, smiling down and nodding His head like He wanted to hear every single word I was saying and just listen to me. That's amazing. The Lord of heaven and earth, the One who created me, wants to hear every single word I say. He wants the best for me and wants me to be so close to Him. Can't you just imagine Him whispering in the silence, "My child, let's talk and grow closer to each other." But too often we can't even sit down for two seconds and let the Holy Spirit fall on us and immediately be in God's presence. Don't get me wrong, I'm preaching to myself. Lately, I've been using the excuse that I'm too busy for God when the truth is I don't want to be close to God. I don't want to do the work and sit in the silence and let His Spirit fall on me. So this morning, I stopped everything I was doing and just spent time in His Word and telling Him what's on my mind.
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it.  And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.

Lord, help me to commit my ways to You no matter where that leads me. Lord, You know where I want to go, but only You can show me where You want me to go. My wishes and desires and dreams are Yours, and You know that. Just show me where and I'll go, even if it breaks my heart if it's not Duke.
-hannah

me, oh, my it's cameron crazy time!

You guys should really see my bed right now. It's quite hilarious. Pamphlets, papers, posters, shirts, maps, and handwritten notes are all spread out across my bed right now just waiting to be read, hung up as encouragement, and prayed about. The parahernalia spread out across my bed is a special group of items that have one thing in common: Duke University.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).

And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!

But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.

So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.

To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.

-hannah.