Remember when all I wanted was to go to Duke University? Every post had something to do with Duke and how badly I wanted to be apart of the blue devils. I wanted to sit on that lawn and study my anatomy homework. I wanted to be a Cameron Crazy and cheer on Seth Curry, Andre Dawkins, Josh Hairston, Marshall, Miles, and Mason Plumlee as they lead the Duke blue devils to victory. I wanted to go to the after game bonfires and I wanted to proudly wear the royal blue and white. I wanted to study under some of the best professors in the world. I wanted to do Duke Engage and travel across the world doing research.
But as of today, my entire view of colleges has changed.
Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 1, 2011, is the early decision deadline for Duke University. And guess who is not applying?
This girl.
After a long discussion with my parents, I have decided to cancel my Duke University application and not complete the rest of the application. And, really, I don't have any regrets. I'm not in love with Duke anymore. I don't have a heart to study under some of the best professors anymore. I don't have a heart to travel the world through Duke Engage doing research. I don't have a passion to study on the lawn of Duke. I want something different, I want to follow what He has for me.
I always feared that something like this would happen. When I was so excited for Duke during the summer, my biggest fear was falling in love with a different school...falling in love with a plan I'm pretty sure God has set before me. Even though I haven't been the kind of Christian...the kind of lover...the kind of bride of Christ I need to be (I haven't been reading God's Word, praying like I should, and filling my mind with Him), I have seen this coming for a while. I've prayed over and over again about what God wants me to do in life. And every time I pray that prayer, an opportunity to lead worship comes up. Between school praise team, a youth leader who wants me to lead worship (but I haven't been able to since I've been so busy with basketball and volleyball practice...and I'm sincerely sorry. I know where I need to be, but I can't ever find time to get there. And it's completely my fault.), and a lady whom I've respected for most of my life wants me to lead sunday night worship for at least one night soon, I think my answer has come. I've lead youth worship a time or two this year. I've been one of the people playing in youth worship for most of my two years at my old church, I've been one of the people playing in church worship for most of my two years at my old church, and I'm beginning to play during worship at my home church again. I love music and I love leading worship. As much as I hate seeing what a worship leader goes through and knowing that this might be where God wants me to be, I still love leading worship. I love the fact that God changes us constantly. He changes our minds and He allows us to fall in love with His plan and forget our own. I was afraid that Duke would fall to the wayside this school year, and my biggest fear has come true. But I know this is where I need to be. Duke is not going to be my home, and no matter how hard I tried to make it be my home, it never will be. It will always be a place where I love the athletics, but I can never call it home. And that's perfectly fine with me.
Liberty University is where I feel God is calling me. It's starting to feel like home, even though I'm miles and miles away from it. God is there, there's no doubt about that. I talked to a recruiter today and all of my Liberty University questions were answered. Apparently, their music ministry program is HUGE. I'll get everything I ever wanted out of the program and about 2-3 churches a day call Liberty for worship leaders. People like TobyMac, Relient K, and Avalon came out of Liberty's music program. Their journalism program is also one of the best. I also found out that their nurses are in higher demand at Duke Medical Center and UNC than their own students. Liberty has been blessed. Also, they're huge on the spiritual aspect of the studies. What struck me was people pray every day for every student on campus...and they pray for them by name. I feel that Liberty is somewhere I can be happy, safe, well educated, and spiritually fed. I never wanted to lose my spiritual feeding, and I think Liberty won't allow that to go to wayside. I can't wait to hear from them!
I just pray that God will show me exactly where He wants me to go. I also pray that He shows me what He wants me to do and how He wants me to serve Him. I also pray that I can fall in love with Him again and be the kind of lover I was made to be.
love, hannah <3
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
"I'm holding on to things I shouldn't, it's time to let them go."
Tonight, I was able to have the opportunity to go to a youth worship service called Audience of One. I've never been and I was really excited to go because not only was a guy I like very much was going to be there, but also because it was an opportunity to worship freely. I know that the first reason shouldn't have been a reason for going at all, but I'm being completely and totally honest in this post--nothing will be left unsaid about this night. I know I should've been going completely for Him and Him alone, but I still went to see this guy too. I also know that worshipping freely has been a problem for me for at least two years because of the bondage I was under and that this would probably be one of the first times in a long time that I'll be able to worship freely and not worry about what other people think.
On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.
Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.
The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.
Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.
So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.
-hannah
On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.
Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.
The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.
Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.
So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.
-hannah
Friday, September 23, 2011
"If you like me, then say you like me."
Today is probably one of those days I won't ever forget.
Nothing spectacuarly special happened today, but it was unforgettable nonetheless.
Since I've last posted, there have been tons of things that has happened...like I'm on the volleyball team, I'm back at my home church, I have a new crush on this guy, and my senior year is going pretty amazing so far. There's going to be so many memories of my senior year that I don't ever want to forget. I absolutely love the kids I'm with at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
But let me start with the first thing on that list: I'm on the volleyball team at a school who is known for winning state champions in our NCCAA league for 11 years. 11. years. We have a big shoe to fill! But I absolutely love being on the volleyball team this year. The girls I'm with are awesome, sweet, and just a bunch of good kids. I love hanging out with them, especially at sleepovers. We have some of the most CRAZIEST times ever together. Like tonight, we went to a game at Terra Ceia, which is like in the middle of the middle of nowhere. Afterwards, we went to Golden Corral to eat with the guys. Of course, we soccer/volleyball players had to sit together and made one long table in the middle of the party room at Golden Corral. Just sitting back and watching everyone made me realize how much I'm going to miss these kids. I'm going to miss seeing my friend's faces and laughing at the dumbest things. I absolutely love all the friends I have at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Before we left to go home tonight, the guy's soccer coach decided to challenge the girls to a warrior's chant challenge. Basically, we were to scream as loud as we can warriors or our little "chant" we do before games. Since our little "chant" we do, is "team first!" we didn't exactly want to scream that. Since we girls were a little shy (we were kind of outnumbered compared to the guys...we have 8 varsity girls and like 20 soccer guys), the guys decided to go first. Let me tell you, it was LOUD. The people in the lines at the counters and the section beside the party room all turned and stared at us. The guys then started to challenge us and since we couldn't decide what to do, one of my friends decided to step in and decide for us. While we were deciding, two of my friends began to pretend fight. Immediately, the guys were cheering them on and freaking out since the girls were acting like they were getting ready to really fight. Meanwhile, we girls were laughing since all we do is pretend fight all the time with each other. Finally, we were able to come up with a chant to combat the guys and we won...well, at least I think we won. It wasn't fair that the girls were outnumbered and the guys have deeper voices.
That moment is going to be one of those I'll never want to forget. My senior year is already flying by, and it seems like time is running out. Every time I think about next year, it hits me that I won't be seeing my favorite kids every day anymore. I'll miss them terribly. Other than missing everyone already, my senior year is amazing. Of course, there are a few hitches in it, but it's been pretty awesome. I hang out with the coolest and sweetest kids, I'm constantly singing for chorus and praise team, and I have a major crush on a guy I've liked for a while.
But speaking of this guy, the other night, we were meeting in a room before a volleyball home game. We were being loud and screaming at each other, like always, and I had made the mistake of saying that I didn't like one person, that I liked another. As soon as those words came out of my mouth, three girls literally jumped on me to find out who I liked. One of the girls, hugged me and wouldn't let me go until I said who I liked. The second girl started tickling me to try to get it out of me. Finally, I told them they had to find out by guessing since the only other girl who knew who I liked had to guess. One of the girls complained about not being a great guesser and the other two began asking me questions. One of the girls asked me if he was in the senior class, to which I replied no (how in the world was I supposed to like guys in my class? the only one I would even consider liking is too much like a brother to me!). Another one asked me if he was in eleventh grade, and I replied with a maybe. Since they figured I wouldn't date anyone in any other grades and since they had already asked like three or four questions beforehand, they begged me to tell them. I looked at my friend who knew the answer and told her to tell them. She told the other girls his initials, since the door was kind of open and everyone could hear it if she said his name out loud, and everyone screamed. I stood there for a while, taking it all in and laughing at everyone, and then I left. Once I came back, everyone was awwing. I couldn't help but laugh, since I knew my secret was out. But the guy is a really good guy, he's sweet, his hilarious, he's outgoing, he loves music, and he loves God...his prayers are amazing...they make me want to cry every time I hear him really, really pray.
But, really, it's what God wants. I'm in one of those states where I'm just waiting to see where God places me and what He has me doing next. Of course, I know where He has me now is just as important as where He's taking me. But things are just a waiting game--waiting to get out of high school and start the next chapter in my life. Of course if God allowed the guy to tell me that he liked me too, I would be the happiest girl alive. I mean I would be the happiest girl alive. You have no idea how happy I would be if the guy showed me definite signs that he liked me too. But again, it's what God wants.
But as you can tell, my senior year is amazing. I can't wait to see what's next! I'll try to keep in touch and keep updating this...it's just so hard with all my homework and other things!
love,
hannah <3
Nothing spectacuarly special happened today, but it was unforgettable nonetheless.
Since I've last posted, there have been tons of things that has happened...like I'm on the volleyball team, I'm back at my home church, I have a new crush on this guy, and my senior year is going pretty amazing so far. There's going to be so many memories of my senior year that I don't ever want to forget. I absolutely love the kids I'm with at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
But let me start with the first thing on that list: I'm on the volleyball team at a school who is known for winning state champions in our NCCAA league for 11 years. 11. years. We have a big shoe to fill! But I absolutely love being on the volleyball team this year. The girls I'm with are awesome, sweet, and just a bunch of good kids. I love hanging out with them, especially at sleepovers. We have some of the most CRAZIEST times ever together. Like tonight, we went to a game at Terra Ceia, which is like in the middle of the middle of nowhere. Afterwards, we went to Golden Corral to eat with the guys. Of course, we soccer/volleyball players had to sit together and made one long table in the middle of the party room at Golden Corral. Just sitting back and watching everyone made me realize how much I'm going to miss these kids. I'm going to miss seeing my friend's faces and laughing at the dumbest things. I absolutely love all the friends I have at my school and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Before we left to go home tonight, the guy's soccer coach decided to challenge the girls to a warrior's chant challenge. Basically, we were to scream as loud as we can warriors or our little "chant" we do before games. Since our little "chant" we do, is "team first!" we didn't exactly want to scream that. Since we girls were a little shy (we were kind of outnumbered compared to the guys...we have 8 varsity girls and like 20 soccer guys), the guys decided to go first. Let me tell you, it was LOUD. The people in the lines at the counters and the section beside the party room all turned and stared at us. The guys then started to challenge us and since we couldn't decide what to do, one of my friends decided to step in and decide for us. While we were deciding, two of my friends began to pretend fight. Immediately, the guys were cheering them on and freaking out since the girls were acting like they were getting ready to really fight. Meanwhile, we girls were laughing since all we do is pretend fight all the time with each other. Finally, we were able to come up with a chant to combat the guys and we won...well, at least I think we won. It wasn't fair that the girls were outnumbered and the guys have deeper voices.
That moment is going to be one of those I'll never want to forget. My senior year is already flying by, and it seems like time is running out. Every time I think about next year, it hits me that I won't be seeing my favorite kids every day anymore. I'll miss them terribly. Other than missing everyone already, my senior year is amazing. Of course, there are a few hitches in it, but it's been pretty awesome. I hang out with the coolest and sweetest kids, I'm constantly singing for chorus and praise team, and I have a major crush on a guy I've liked for a while.
But speaking of this guy, the other night, we were meeting in a room before a volleyball home game. We were being loud and screaming at each other, like always, and I had made the mistake of saying that I didn't like one person, that I liked another. As soon as those words came out of my mouth, three girls literally jumped on me to find out who I liked. One of the girls, hugged me and wouldn't let me go until I said who I liked. The second girl started tickling me to try to get it out of me. Finally, I told them they had to find out by guessing since the only other girl who knew who I liked had to guess. One of the girls complained about not being a great guesser and the other two began asking me questions. One of the girls asked me if he was in the senior class, to which I replied no (how in the world was I supposed to like guys in my class? the only one I would even consider liking is too much like a brother to me!). Another one asked me if he was in eleventh grade, and I replied with a maybe. Since they figured I wouldn't date anyone in any other grades and since they had already asked like three or four questions beforehand, they begged me to tell them. I looked at my friend who knew the answer and told her to tell them. She told the other girls his initials, since the door was kind of open and everyone could hear it if she said his name out loud, and everyone screamed. I stood there for a while, taking it all in and laughing at everyone, and then I left. Once I came back, everyone was awwing. I couldn't help but laugh, since I knew my secret was out. But the guy is a really good guy, he's sweet, his hilarious, he's outgoing, he loves music, and he loves God...his prayers are amazing...they make me want to cry every time I hear him really, really pray.
But, really, it's what God wants. I'm in one of those states where I'm just waiting to see where God places me and what He has me doing next. Of course, I know where He has me now is just as important as where He's taking me. But things are just a waiting game--waiting to get out of high school and start the next chapter in my life. Of course if God allowed the guy to tell me that he liked me too, I would be the happiest girl alive. I mean I would be the happiest girl alive. You have no idea how happy I would be if the guy showed me definite signs that he liked me too. But again, it's what God wants.
But as you can tell, my senior year is amazing. I can't wait to see what's next! I'll try to keep in touch and keep updating this...it's just so hard with all my homework and other things!
love,
hannah <3
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Hurricane Irene
This past weekend (Friday, August 26-Sunday, August 28, 2011) Hurricane Irene hit the eastern North Carolina coast pretty hard. I just happened to be one the thousands of people Hurricane Irene impacted. We live close to the coast of North Carolina (about an hour or so away from Atlantic Beach) but far enough away that we don't really get hit hard during small tropical storms and hurricanes. On Friday, Irene started to make landfall. During the first few hours of the hurricane, I really thought it was going to be like Hurricane Earl. Hurricane Earl hit eastern North Carolina in 2010 and most of us thought it was a joke. The most we got from the storm was a little rain and some wind. So for the first few hours of Irene, I thought all we were going to get was some rain and some wind. Little did I know, it was going to turn into something more.
Around 2 a.m. on Saturday, I was able to stay awake and hear her start to really make her way onto shore. When I was studying my Bible right before I went to bed, the winds began to pick up and hit the side of the house. Right when I was shutting off my lights and snuggling into my bed, the rain started falling harder. I happen to have a small air purifier fan in my room which blocks out most of the noises in my house (like our cat, Fat Cat, running around and slamming into doors and walls, our t.v. creaking from being on most of the day, etc.) but when the rain began to pick up, it started to drown out the air purifier.
As soon as I was able to fall asleep, I was woken back up two hours later. My air purifier was shut off, my ceiling fan had stopped, and my sister was walking down the hall. As soon as I got my bearings, I realized the power was out. Once I got out of the bed, I stayed up until the sun rose behind the clouds at around 6 or 7 a.m. At that point, I was extremely tired after having just 2 hours of sleep that night and fell asleep on my bed for about a few hours.
When I woke up, my dad had turned on our generator (thank God we had that! I don't know what we would do without it!) and we were running a refrigerator, a freezer, my grandfather's refrigerator, and some cell phone chargers. My dad then proceeded to make a breakfast of eggs and bacon on the grill and my mom, sister, and I proceeded to watch Irene make her mark. Once breakfast was done, my mom and I pulled some beach chairs out from the garage, sat them on our back porch, and ate one of the best breakfasts I've had in my entire life while we watched Irene. Trees were whipping back and forth from the strong winds and the rain was pelting the ground. A few times, I pulled out the video camera to record the impact Irene was making. A few small tree limbs landed on our porch as we sat there. In the background, we could hear the huge tree limbs snapping and landing in the woods.
Around 1, I decided to take a nap since I still haven't really gotten a lot of sleep. A few hours later, I heard my grandfather come over and say, "You guys need to come here." Of course, we all jumped up and ran over to his house. He pointed to his window and I gasped when I looked out of it. A huge 100 year old oak tree from my neighbor's yard fell on our deck, pool, and slide crushing it completely. The tree was so high up that it passed the roof of my house and it was so big that I couldn't get it all in one picture. Thankfully, it came close to hitting our shed and my grandfather's house but it never touched anything major. There was no physical damage besides the pool and deck, but I know my grandfather was spooked for a while afterwards since he watched the tree fall. After the eye of the storm had passed, we got a phone call from my youth pastor who decided to venture out a little bit. Of course, we were still in the middle of the storm. But my youth pastor told us that our church had a tree fall on our fellowship hall. Since we live two minutes away, my father and I rushed over there. The hurricane had knocked a tall tree into the roof of the church, missing the windows and the ac. Everything was pretty much safe execpt for a few holes in the roof. My father went on the roof and removed a few tree branches that made about four holes in the roof. One of the holes either had the tree limb stuck too far in it or had too much water damage and collapsed part of the roof on the inside. Insulation fell on the wet floor along with the popcorn ceiling. Every one was okay and the men made a make-shift cover-up on the roof while us women cleaned up the insulation and put buckets under the leaks. I took enough pictures for the insurance company once our secretary was ready to file a claim. As far as I know, they had church on Sunday for anyone who was able to come.
That night, I slept in my bedroom with my bedroom window opened. Luckily Irene had left once we were trying to sleep, and we were able to have a small breeze come through our window. At one point in the night, I was able to look out and see the sky cleared on one side with all the stars shining through and on the other side I could see the last of the clouds make their way out of my neighborhood.
The next morning, I woke up to our generator being broken. Even though it was 8 in the morning, the heat had already settled in for the day. My grandfather needed help with my grandmother (since hospice wasn't able to come in that day). Since my family went to go fix the generator, I was the only person able to help him. I'll save you the details and just tell you it's something I'll never forget. I really got a look at what it's like being a nurse!
Later on that day, my family went out to begin clean up while I stayed inside and tried to finish my homework. I was only able to go to school for a half a day (we went back on Thursday) and I already had a load of homework to do. After two hours of algebra 2 honors and chemistry homework, I walked outside to help. At that point, my family was overheated and we decided to settle in the house for a while. Dad cooked hamburgers on the grill and we went out to go look for a piece for our generator. During that time, we went to the local Lowe's and everything was gone. People were placing chainsaws and tarps in the middle of the main asiles since they were in such great demand. Water bottles were in abundace and every power tool for the yard was scraped clean off the shelves. I didn't even check the flashlights! Lowe's didn't have anymore generators, which was in high demand because of how many people that had power outages. We weren't able to find the piece for our generator, but a company out of Charlotte was selling generators out on the side of the road. We picked one up and ran back to Lowe's to get oil for it. My dad just happened to be the last person to get the last two cans of the oil that was left.
After we got home, we started experiencing a few flickers of our power coming back on. All of our lights would turn on then off and then about 20 minutes later, it would do it again. We figured the electricy company was turning on the power to see what else needed to be fixed. We were all laying around the living room letting the fan run over us. I was laying on the floor and I was so frusterated. I was hot and I haven't had a shower in a few days due to the cold water and the hurricane. I said a quick prayer out loud that went something like this, "Dear God, please let the people turn on our power tonight!" And I kid you not, five minutes later, around 8 p.m., our power turned on for good. My father joked that it was the quickest answer to prayer he has ever seen.
So for approximately 41 hours we didn't have power. And I know for a fact that there are still thousands of people who don't have power. I've seen pictures of an entire island cut in half because of the water. I've seen worse damage and flooding that other people have gotten. At that moment, I realized how selfish and how spoiled we, as Americans, really are. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people who would love to be able to have a generator, a grill, a refrigerator, and a fan. There are thousands who want a generator, a grill, electricity, and a fan tonight. But instead of thanking God of the provision He had given me so far, I complained about the heat and about not being able to turn on the lights or charge my phone. I felt terrible after I realized how spoiled I really was. I don't ever thank God enough for the provision He has given me so far. He keeps providing the things I need, not the things I want. He knows what I need and when I need it.
After this hurricane, I realized we really didn't need the things yet. Of course, it would have been nice to have them, but it made my family grow closer because we didn't want to be alone. So tonight, I give thanks to the Lord who provides. He provides what I need and He'll continue to provide what I need. As we clean up this mess that a hurricane left us, He knows what we'll need and who's help we'll be needing. And as I really start my senior year, a year full of not a lot of sleep and a lot of homework and a lot of volleyball games, He'll provide. He'll stretch me to make me fall on Him. If anything, Hurricane Irene has taught me to never leave Him. He's the One that I need to fall on and to let Him provide for me. He knows what's best for me in every situation, even if that's complete devistation in my homestate and even in my hometown. People are going to need help now, and this is my chance to allow Him work through me to show them His love.
Of course, I'm going to post a few pictures of the damage Hurricane Irene made. It amazes me that God could create something like that to wake up His children and the surrounding areas. Of course, once there's a huge disaster like this, some people turn to God and are able to His salvation story. I pray for those people who will get that chance during the clean-up period. I pray their hearts and ears will be open to hearing it, to accepting the greatest love gift ever and will really turn their lives to God.
-hannah.
Around 2 a.m. on Saturday, I was able to stay awake and hear her start to really make her way onto shore. When I was studying my Bible right before I went to bed, the winds began to pick up and hit the side of the house. Right when I was shutting off my lights and snuggling into my bed, the rain started falling harder. I happen to have a small air purifier fan in my room which blocks out most of the noises in my house (like our cat, Fat Cat, running around and slamming into doors and walls, our t.v. creaking from being on most of the day, etc.) but when the rain began to pick up, it started to drown out the air purifier.
As soon as I was able to fall asleep, I was woken back up two hours later. My air purifier was shut off, my ceiling fan had stopped, and my sister was walking down the hall. As soon as I got my bearings, I realized the power was out. Once I got out of the bed, I stayed up until the sun rose behind the clouds at around 6 or 7 a.m. At that point, I was extremely tired after having just 2 hours of sleep that night and fell asleep on my bed for about a few hours.
When I woke up, my dad had turned on our generator (thank God we had that! I don't know what we would do without it!) and we were running a refrigerator, a freezer, my grandfather's refrigerator, and some cell phone chargers. My dad then proceeded to make a breakfast of eggs and bacon on the grill and my mom, sister, and I proceeded to watch Irene make her mark. Once breakfast was done, my mom and I pulled some beach chairs out from the garage, sat them on our back porch, and ate one of the best breakfasts I've had in my entire life while we watched Irene. Trees were whipping back and forth from the strong winds and the rain was pelting the ground. A few times, I pulled out the video camera to record the impact Irene was making. A few small tree limbs landed on our porch as we sat there. In the background, we could hear the huge tree limbs snapping and landing in the woods.
Around 1, I decided to take a nap since I still haven't really gotten a lot of sleep. A few hours later, I heard my grandfather come over and say, "You guys need to come here." Of course, we all jumped up and ran over to his house. He pointed to his window and I gasped when I looked out of it. A huge 100 year old oak tree from my neighbor's yard fell on our deck, pool, and slide crushing it completely. The tree was so high up that it passed the roof of my house and it was so big that I couldn't get it all in one picture. Thankfully, it came close to hitting our shed and my grandfather's house but it never touched anything major. There was no physical damage besides the pool and deck, but I know my grandfather was spooked for a while afterwards since he watched the tree fall. After the eye of the storm had passed, we got a phone call from my youth pastor who decided to venture out a little bit. Of course, we were still in the middle of the storm. But my youth pastor told us that our church had a tree fall on our fellowship hall. Since we live two minutes away, my father and I rushed over there. The hurricane had knocked a tall tree into the roof of the church, missing the windows and the ac. Everything was pretty much safe execpt for a few holes in the roof. My father went on the roof and removed a few tree branches that made about four holes in the roof. One of the holes either had the tree limb stuck too far in it or had too much water damage and collapsed part of the roof on the inside. Insulation fell on the wet floor along with the popcorn ceiling. Every one was okay and the men made a make-shift cover-up on the roof while us women cleaned up the insulation and put buckets under the leaks. I took enough pictures for the insurance company once our secretary was ready to file a claim. As far as I know, they had church on Sunday for anyone who was able to come.
That night, I slept in my bedroom with my bedroom window opened. Luckily Irene had left once we were trying to sleep, and we were able to have a small breeze come through our window. At one point in the night, I was able to look out and see the sky cleared on one side with all the stars shining through and on the other side I could see the last of the clouds make their way out of my neighborhood.
The next morning, I woke up to our generator being broken. Even though it was 8 in the morning, the heat had already settled in for the day. My grandfather needed help with my grandmother (since hospice wasn't able to come in that day). Since my family went to go fix the generator, I was the only person able to help him. I'll save you the details and just tell you it's something I'll never forget. I really got a look at what it's like being a nurse!
Later on that day, my family went out to begin clean up while I stayed inside and tried to finish my homework. I was only able to go to school for a half a day (we went back on Thursday) and I already had a load of homework to do. After two hours of algebra 2 honors and chemistry homework, I walked outside to help. At that point, my family was overheated and we decided to settle in the house for a while. Dad cooked hamburgers on the grill and we went out to go look for a piece for our generator. During that time, we went to the local Lowe's and everything was gone. People were placing chainsaws and tarps in the middle of the main asiles since they were in such great demand. Water bottles were in abundace and every power tool for the yard was scraped clean off the shelves. I didn't even check the flashlights! Lowe's didn't have anymore generators, which was in high demand because of how many people that had power outages. We weren't able to find the piece for our generator, but a company out of Charlotte was selling generators out on the side of the road. We picked one up and ran back to Lowe's to get oil for it. My dad just happened to be the last person to get the last two cans of the oil that was left.
After we got home, we started experiencing a few flickers of our power coming back on. All of our lights would turn on then off and then about 20 minutes later, it would do it again. We figured the electricy company was turning on the power to see what else needed to be fixed. We were all laying around the living room letting the fan run over us. I was laying on the floor and I was so frusterated. I was hot and I haven't had a shower in a few days due to the cold water and the hurricane. I said a quick prayer out loud that went something like this, "Dear God, please let the people turn on our power tonight!" And I kid you not, five minutes later, around 8 p.m., our power turned on for good. My father joked that it was the quickest answer to prayer he has ever seen.
So for approximately 41 hours we didn't have power. And I know for a fact that there are still thousands of people who don't have power. I've seen pictures of an entire island cut in half because of the water. I've seen worse damage and flooding that other people have gotten. At that moment, I realized how selfish and how spoiled we, as Americans, really are. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people who would love to be able to have a generator, a grill, a refrigerator, and a fan. There are thousands who want a generator, a grill, electricity, and a fan tonight. But instead of thanking God of the provision He had given me so far, I complained about the heat and about not being able to turn on the lights or charge my phone. I felt terrible after I realized how spoiled I really was. I don't ever thank God enough for the provision He has given me so far. He keeps providing the things I need, not the things I want. He knows what I need and when I need it.
After this hurricane, I realized we really didn't need the things yet. Of course, it would have been nice to have them, but it made my family grow closer because we didn't want to be alone. So tonight, I give thanks to the Lord who provides. He provides what I need and He'll continue to provide what I need. As we clean up this mess that a hurricane left us, He knows what we'll need and who's help we'll be needing. And as I really start my senior year, a year full of not a lot of sleep and a lot of homework and a lot of volleyball games, He'll provide. He'll stretch me to make me fall on Him. If anything, Hurricane Irene has taught me to never leave Him. He's the One that I need to fall on and to let Him provide for me. He knows what's best for me in every situation, even if that's complete devistation in my homestate and even in my hometown. People are going to need help now, and this is my chance to allow Him work through me to show them His love.
Of course, I'm going to post a few pictures of the damage Hurricane Irene made. It amazes me that God could create something like that to wake up His children and the surrounding areas. Of course, once there's a huge disaster like this, some people turn to God and are able to His salvation story. I pray for those people who will get that chance during the clean-up period. I pray their hearts and ears will be open to hearing it, to accepting the greatest love gift ever and will really turn their lives to God.
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| Our pool before (this is taken during the storm) |
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| ...and our pool after. Told you it was a huge tree! |
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| The tree ended up taking out another one once it fell. This is just a picture of the two trees. The one closer to the camera is the one the tree took out and the one further away is the actual tree. |
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| One of the trees that snapped in two down at our creek. Surprisingly, our creek didn't rise a lot. We were blessed not to have a lot of flooding! |
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| Just another picture of the oak tree that fell on our pool. |
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| The back and the roots of the tree that fell. |
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| Our church after the tree limb was pulled out. You can actually see the tree out the window. |
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| A huge limb we heard fall while we were watching the hurricane on the back porch. |
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| From this angle, the pool looked fine. This was the only angle we were able to see until the storm was over. Once we were able to see some of the other side (the tree covers most of the the other side), we were shocked to see how bad it was crushed. |
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| The back of our deck and the tree that fell on it. I actually had this one posted on the local news! |
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| A few tree limbs that rolled off my grandfather's house. |
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| More of the root of the tree that fell. |
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| The middle picture of the tree that fell (on the left) and the one that was taken out (on the right) when the one on the left fell |
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| One of the old businesses downtown had this on their window. Each year there was a major hurricane, the owner wrote the name of the hurricane on it and crossed it out after it had passed. |
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| The tree that fell and part of the one that was taken out. |
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| Our poor pool :( |
-hannah.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
"The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You."
I've been reading through the book of Joshua lately. Since I'm reading a chapter a day and recording what I got out of it, I'm only on the seventh chapter. It's been rewarding and really fitting to my life. Themes like obedience, faith, faithfulness, and trust are a common occurrence in my notes. I've also recorded things like, "God can use anyone to carry out His will," "You have to have faith that God will direct your way, even if you can't see anything," "How many times do we obey the word of the Lord?" "How many times do we refuse to follow God?" "Sometimes God lifts us up to become leaders so He gets the glory He deserves," and "Joshua obeyed and was humble." Just by reading these few chapters, my faith seems to grow stronger and I'm growing more and more confident each and every single day. Normally, one would think that's awesome in a teenage girl's life. Don't get me wrong, it is. I would love to see every teenage girl in the world to be immersed in God's word. But for me, it's signs. What I get out of the chapters are all signs of what God's calling me to be...what God's calling me to do....
Tomorrow, Wednesday, July 20, 2011, I will be leading my youth group's worship for the first time ever. By myself. Every time I've ever done congregational worship, I've always played with someone else and had someone else lead. The only exception to this is that I've lead some form of congregational worship through my church's Children's Church once every three months or so. Even then, I have another older person to get the children to sing and most of the kids quit singing after the first chorus. Of course, the little kids are important. It's important to instill a love for Christ and worship in them at a young age, but there's just something about playing for people your age. It feels like there's more pressure and God expects more out of you. Yes, I know God is pleased with how faithful you are, not how great you are. It's just...I don't know what it is...it kind of feels like a step into something I don't want to be apart of. I really don't want to be apart of leading worship. I'm okay with leading worship with the little kids, I just don't want to move in the direction God's moving me into. But I do know that He has a plan for me already laid out and I just have to ask Him to guide me, even if I don't like it or not.
Joshua was a man who followed God with everything he had. It was evident in the way he lived his life. In the first seven chapters of Joshua, I see that Joshua never disobeyed God and His rules. Joshua followed everything God told him to do to the T. Joshua never hesitated, he never procrastinated, he just did. He lead Israel by what God told him to do. And I'm pretty sure Joshua never signed up to be the leader of Israel. God just told Joshua that He had a purpose for him and was going to use him to lead Israel, and of course, Joshua obeyed what God told him.
So, of course, I would be reading Joshua at this time. God has a purpose for my life. I may not know what it is or where I'll be going, but He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He knows where I'll be going in the fall of 2012, what classes I'll be taking, whether I'll be rejoicing I got into Duke or whether I'll be crying, who I'll be dating or not dating, what tests I'll excel or fail in, and what field I'll be working in for the rest of my life. I find comfort in knowing that He knows everything. I also find a bit of worry as I know I have no idea about these things. I like to be in control, but I'm learning that I need to let that go. Joshua obeyed every time God told Him to do something, and now it's my turn to obey when God tells me to lead worship.
I stumbled upon a few lyrics today and they seemed to fit this blog post and my life:
"You hold the future in Your hands. You know my dreams and You have a plan. And as You light my way, I'll follow You. My eyes on all of the above, my soul secure in all you've done. My mind's made up, and You are the only one for me. Jesus, Savior, in my life You are everything. My future decided, I will praise Your name. And I know that I am, I am Yours. I know that I am, I am Yours."-My Future Decided by Hillsong United
"The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You. Today, today, it's all or nothing. All the way. The praise goes out to You, all the praise goes out to You. Today, today, I live for one thing: to give You praise in everything I do. All the praise goes out to You!"-The Time Has Come: Hillsong United
Dear Lord,
I want to give everything to You. As I seek to know You more, place the path You want me to walk on before me. Search my heart and show Your face, because You're all I want. I want You to have Your way in my life, even if that means leading worship or not being accepted into Duke University. You know that's my dream and I ask for Your will to be done. You're wonderful, magnificent, glorious, beautiful, and just...words can't describe you. You're indescribable and I'm so happy You picked me up and are molding me to become the woman of God You want me to be. Without You, I am nothing. So direct my paths and make me fall in love with the school You want me to be. Make me fall in love with what You want me to do. Give me a passion for what You want me to do. Make me into who You want me to be, not who I want to be. I praise You for You're the One who will always be with me. You'll never leave me or forsake me. You're my victory and You'll always be with me. Thank You for loving me the way You love me.
-hannah <3
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
"You are holy, great and mighty. The moon and the stars declare who You are. I'm so unworthy, but still You love me."
I'm totally in love with Phil Wickham's song Cannons. Like if I could get that cd, I would. It would be the kind of cd that I could just jam out and worship down the road to my volunteer job. The song Cannons is pretty amazing and it's the song that made me fall in love with Phil Wickham's music. Normally, at least when it comes to Christian music, I pretty much stay in my comfort zone. But lately, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone in more than one way.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Excited-ness.
Oh my goodness. I am so excited! I just realized that I'm just another month away from starting my senior year and preparing for college! College seems to be on my mind a whole lot lately...like a whole lot. Take for example: today, my aunt in Chicago called my mom. During the phone call, they start talking about me and college and where I want to go. Well, certain events happened and I ended up with the phone in my hand, talking to her. Since she's already had two of her own children to go through college, she started telling me all this stuff that I get to look forward to doing and what stuff that I'm up against when it comes to Duke. She told me all about SAT prep courses, competition in Chicago which made me think about the competition I have to face around the world when it comes to getting into Duke, and volunteer service hours. After the phone call, I was completely overwhelmed with information and wanted to go hide under a rock and be a hermit the rest of my life. There's no way I'm getting into Duke! It's crazy that kids have been working on this stuff since they started middle school! Of course, I already knew this, but I happened to be one of those kids who didn't find this out until after middle school. You see, the school I went to for most of my life never told us about this stuff. I'm pretty sure that since they were so far back in the seventies, they didn't even know how competitive everything is! I'm not even joking. My first school was soo far back that they thought college was still an easy thing to get into. Wrong they are! So now I'm far behind on everything when it comes to being competitive. I'm pretty sure that the only way I can get into Duke would be for them to really like my personality, my leadership skills, what I bring to the table, and take into consideration the academic life I have lived and what restrictions were placed on me. But most of all, the only reason I'll ever get into Duke is by the grace of God. Only He can place me there. But I'm really afraid that He's going to send me somewhere I don't love. Because, you all know, I love Duke. I'm just afraid that just because I love Duke, He'll send me somewhere else. Really, that's been the story of my life. I've had cheerleading captain and volleyball captain taken from me (because my school closed down...that's another story), I never heard about Duke's TIP program or anything like that, and I've never been able to really be where I want because God always sends me to the places I don't love. And really, that's my biggest fear. I'll cry my heart out if I don't get accepted to Duke because I already love it.
But enough of the sad story and back to the title of this blog post. I'm soo excited! Today, I was talking to mom about college (it seems like that topic is always in our conversation these days) and how much money she'll be spending on me next year. Between many SATs, multiple ACTs, college dorm room supplies, senior trip, sports fees, graduation gowns, graduation cards, a yearbook, a new backpack (hopefully!), college application fees, and class of 2012 clothing, it seems like our money will be dwindling this year. So, we came up with a plan. In order for us not to spend sooo much money at one time, she has given me the okay to go ahead and start collecting my college dorm room supplies one at a time. So of course, the girl in me is screaming, "Yes! A chance to go shopping for cool college stuff!" Trust me, you don't know how excited I am to start collecting stuff for college! It just makes everything feel so real! I'm just overly excited that I can start collecting things for college and start requesting gift cards to places like PBteen (my Chicago auntie can help me with a gift card from there since she shops there for her daughter), Target, and Wal-Mart for my birthday and Christmas and any other occasion I can use to get stuff for college. And, being the nerd I am, I've already made a list of things I need to take when I go to college. Don't worry, I've made a list of all the deadlines for the college applications, too. Well, at least those I can access now. Some schools I'm planning on applying to won't let me access the deadlines and applications until the first of August. But I do have my priorities straight when it comes to that stuff.
I can only pray that God leads me where He wants me to go. And trust me, every chance I get I'm praying about Duke. I'm praying that He'll protect my heart when it comes to application time and when it comes to getting the letters in the mail. I'm praying that there won't be so many tears, that there will be more laughter and joy than tears. I'm praying that He'll show me the way and show me where He wants me to go. I'm praying that He'll shut all the doors except the one school I'm supposed to go to. And I hope you guys will be nice enough to pray that with me too.
-hannah.
p.s. For those of you who don't know what Duke looks like...here's a sneak peak. :)
But enough of the sad story and back to the title of this blog post. I'm soo excited! Today, I was talking to mom about college (it seems like that topic is always in our conversation these days) and how much money she'll be spending on me next year. Between many SATs, multiple ACTs, college dorm room supplies, senior trip, sports fees, graduation gowns, graduation cards, a yearbook, a new backpack (hopefully!), college application fees, and class of 2012 clothing, it seems like our money will be dwindling this year. So, we came up with a plan. In order for us not to spend sooo much money at one time, she has given me the okay to go ahead and start collecting my college dorm room supplies one at a time. So of course, the girl in me is screaming, "Yes! A chance to go shopping for cool college stuff!" Trust me, you don't know how excited I am to start collecting stuff for college! It just makes everything feel so real! I'm just overly excited that I can start collecting things for college and start requesting gift cards to places like PBteen (my Chicago auntie can help me with a gift card from there since she shops there for her daughter), Target, and Wal-Mart for my birthday and Christmas and any other occasion I can use to get stuff for college. And, being the nerd I am, I've already made a list of things I need to take when I go to college. Don't worry, I've made a list of all the deadlines for the college applications, too. Well, at least those I can access now. Some schools I'm planning on applying to won't let me access the deadlines and applications until the first of August. But I do have my priorities straight when it comes to that stuff.
I can only pray that God leads me where He wants me to go. And trust me, every chance I get I'm praying about Duke. I'm praying that He'll protect my heart when it comes to application time and when it comes to getting the letters in the mail. I'm praying that there won't be so many tears, that there will be more laughter and joy than tears. I'm praying that He'll show me the way and show me where He wants me to go. I'm praying that He'll shut all the doors except the one school I'm supposed to go to. And I hope you guys will be nice enough to pray that with me too.
-hannah.
p.s. For those of you who don't know what Duke looks like...here's a sneak peak. :)
| This picture is a picture of one of the dorms on West Campus. West Campus is home to the sophomores, juniors, and seniors. This particular dorm was blocked off by a fraternity, I believe. Since Duke asks for all students to stay on campus for three years, what the fraternities and sororities at Duke do is block off a section of the dorms and dedicate it to their fraternity or sorority by living together with their brothers and sisters, respectively. |
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| That's the famous Duke Chapel. It's so amazingly beautiful! The entire West Campus has the same gothic theme as what you see here, and the gothic theme is so beautiful! Why wouldn't someone want to go there? |
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| This is one of the dorm "hallways." Over to the left, you can see the door that leads to the inside of the actual dorm hallway. Duke had set up a dorm so we would be able to see what exactly everything looked like. But, if you were to walk straight out of the "hallway," you would come to the courtyard of the first picture. |
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
"I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful."
I personally think the best way to eat breakfast is outside on a porch, soaking in God's Word as you feed your spiritual needs as well as your physical. I was on my way home from dropping off my sister at tennis camp when all of a sudden that idea hit me. Once I got inside my house, I immediately made a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, grabbed my Bible and a pencil, and sat down on a white rocker on my front porch. Immediately, I knew this was the best idea that I had in a long time. I absolutely loved it! I couldn't help but take in God's creation as I read and prayed. The light blue skies, the cotton ball clouds, the vibrant green grass...all of it was just amazing. It was just like God said, "Here you go, my daughter, this is all for you this morning." There are no words to describe how I felt this morning. I would read a couple of passages and then stop and pray and tell my Father what was really on my mind. And I could just imagine Him sitting in heaven, seated on His throne, smiling down and nodding His head like He wanted to hear every single word I was saying and just listen to me. That's amazing. The Lord of heaven and earth, the One who created me, wants to hear every single word I say. He wants the best for me and wants me to be so close to Him. Can't you just imagine Him whispering in the silence, "My child, let's talk and grow closer to each other." But too often we can't even sit down for two seconds and let the Holy Spirit fall on us and immediately be in God's presence. Don't get me wrong, I'm preaching to myself. Lately, I've been using the excuse that I'm too busy for God when the truth is I don't want to be close to God. I don't want to do the work and sit in the silence and let His Spirit fall on me. So this morning, I stopped everything I was doing and just spent time in His Word and telling Him what's on my mind.
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it. And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.
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Lord, help me to commit my ways to You no matter where that leads me. Lord, You know where I want to go, but only You can show me where You want me to go. My wishes and desires and dreams are Yours, and You know that. Just show me where and I'll go, even if it breaks my heart if it's not Duke.
-hannah
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it. And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.
-hannah
Sunday, June 26, 2011
me, oh, my it's cameron crazy time!
You guys should really see my bed right now. It's quite hilarious. Pamphlets, papers, posters, shirts, maps, and handwritten notes are all spread out across my bed right now just waiting to be read, hung up as encouragement, and prayed about. The parahernalia spread out across my bed is a special group of items that have one thing in common: Duke University.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).
And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!
But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.
So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.
To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.
-hannah.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).
And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!
But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.
So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.
To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.
-hannah.
Friday, June 24, 2011
This will be quick, I promise.
Why hello there :)
So I must apologize for not writing for the past couple of days...okay, you got me, the whole week. It's because I've been so busy between volunteering, church, and more volunteering that I haven't had time to sit down and write. Plus, when I do have time to write, I'm not in the creative mood or it's like midnight and I cannot seem to form a coherent sentence.
But this weekend, there shall be no posts from me (unless I'm really, really nice and must write about my weekend before I forget it all) because I am heading off to Duke University in North Carolina for a tour and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I'm so excited to get started on this trip! I'm a die-hard Duke fan and I've been patiently waiting for this day to come! From what I saw this basketball season, I absolutely love the Duke campus. (I've been going to see the Duke men's basketball team play at Cameron Indoor Stadium this 2010-2011 basketball season and let me tell you, it's been an amazing experience). But this time around, I'll be touring the campus from the viewpoint of a prospective student. :) I'm uber excited! I'm also kind of excited to go drive through UNC. Since UNC doesn't offer weekend tours, I'll have to settle for looking around the area. Though I'm pretty sure that will be okay since I've never set foot on the campus. (Hey, I have a good reason: die-hard Duke fans never go on that campus!) I'll also be looking at the campus as a prospective UNC student...I know, eck. But they've got a good nursing program and a great basketball team!
But I'm just going to be praying that God shows me where He wants me to go. If it's UNC, I'm sure I'll find a way to be okay with it. If it's Duke, He's got to provide the money! I've looked at both online, and they're both amazing schools.... We'll just see where God leads me!
Well, Mom's calling for me to hurry up so we can make it to Raleigh on time. So excited! Just keep me in your prayers as I look at these colleges and pray that God shows me the right path. Pray that He shuts every door except for the one place I should go.
-hannah <3
So I must apologize for not writing for the past couple of days...okay, you got me, the whole week. It's because I've been so busy between volunteering, church, and more volunteering that I haven't had time to sit down and write. Plus, when I do have time to write, I'm not in the creative mood or it's like midnight and I cannot seem to form a coherent sentence.
But this weekend, there shall be no posts from me (unless I'm really, really nice and must write about my weekend before I forget it all) because I am heading off to Duke University in North Carolina for a tour and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I'm so excited to get started on this trip! I'm a die-hard Duke fan and I've been patiently waiting for this day to come! From what I saw this basketball season, I absolutely love the Duke campus. (I've been going to see the Duke men's basketball team play at Cameron Indoor Stadium this 2010-2011 basketball season and let me tell you, it's been an amazing experience). But this time around, I'll be touring the campus from the viewpoint of a prospective student. :) I'm uber excited! I'm also kind of excited to go drive through UNC. Since UNC doesn't offer weekend tours, I'll have to settle for looking around the area. Though I'm pretty sure that will be okay since I've never set foot on the campus. (Hey, I have a good reason: die-hard Duke fans never go on that campus!) I'll also be looking at the campus as a prospective UNC student...I know, eck. But they've got a good nursing program and a great basketball team!
But I'm just going to be praying that God shows me where He wants me to go. If it's UNC, I'm sure I'll find a way to be okay with it. If it's Duke, He's got to provide the money! I've looked at both online, and they're both amazing schools.... We'll just see where God leads me!
Well, Mom's calling for me to hurry up so we can make it to Raleigh on time. So excited! Just keep me in your prayers as I look at these colleges and pray that God shows me the right path. Pray that He shuts every door except for the one place I should go.
-hannah <3
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day 2011
Happy Father's Day!
God has blessed me with such an amazing father! I am so proud to be his daughter :)
This Father's Day, I surprised my daddy with a card and a handwritten letter. I've always been told that handwritten letters are so much better than Hallmark cards because, "they come from the heart and anyone can write a Hallmark card." And after looking in our local Hallmark store for twenty minutes, I could not find a card that said everything I wanted to say. Of course, I bought one card just for the sake of giving my dad something to open when he opened his presents but it wasn't all that I wanted to tell him. So at midnight on Sunday, I decided that I was going to write my father a letter and leave it on his desk so when he got up to study that morning, he would be surprised. But little did I know that I would be the one crying over the letter. Normally, I can write really heartfelt letters and not shed a single tear, but this was the first one I actually cried over. A lot of things have happened in the past year that brought me closer to my family and especially my father. So knowing that so much has happened to make me love my daddy even more and knowing that I only have this summer and next with him before I'm pretty much on my own, I cried. My dad means the world to me and I just don't know what I would do without him...especially when he comes in and hug me while I cry over a broken heart, when he fills up my gas tank when I'm almost on empty, when he takes me to go be huge Duke fanatics and sit in Cameron Indoor Stadium and soak up the Duke Basketball atmosphere, and when he just show me love. I don't know what I would do without his teaching, guiding, correcting, and advice on playing guitar and other spiritual/ God-given talent things. Really, I have no idea what I would do without my father.
That being said, this Father's Day was special to me and to my father. I know the letter started out his morning right, but what really topped off the day was the chance to be able to play guitar and to sing with his two daughters. I know that singing with my dad and sister and worshipping my heavenly Father this morning made my whole day. Really, words cannot describe what it's like to stand in front of a body of believers, sing and play guitar with your sister and daddy, and worship the Savior at the same time knowing that He's smiling down on you saying, "That's my girl." It's soooo amazing. I wish everyone had the opportunity to be able to know what it's like to do something like that!
So today, I want to just give God all the glory and praise He deserves. He gave me such an amazing earthly father that I could never replace. No other guy in my life will ever replace my earthly daddy! He also deserves all the praise because He showed my daddy what it means to be a father and how my daddy should lead his house full of girls. God knows exactly what I need! I could never thank Him enough for everything in my life, especially for a father who decided to stay, to stick it out, to learn how to love properly, and to love me for who I am. Really, even though we call my sister my dad's "second chance," I think he did a perfectly fine job with me the first time around. :)
Thanks, daddy, for all that you do, who you are to me, and the godly example you are! I love you so much!
And thank You, my heavenly Father, for constantly giving me blessings I don't deserve. Thank You for my earthly father and I cannot wait to see You face-to-face one day! You're all that I want and need!
-hannah <3
God has blessed me with such an amazing father! I am so proud to be his daughter :)
This Father's Day, I surprised my daddy with a card and a handwritten letter. I've always been told that handwritten letters are so much better than Hallmark cards because, "they come from the heart and anyone can write a Hallmark card." And after looking in our local Hallmark store for twenty minutes, I could not find a card that said everything I wanted to say. Of course, I bought one card just for the sake of giving my dad something to open when he opened his presents but it wasn't all that I wanted to tell him. So at midnight on Sunday, I decided that I was going to write my father a letter and leave it on his desk so when he got up to study that morning, he would be surprised. But little did I know that I would be the one crying over the letter. Normally, I can write really heartfelt letters and not shed a single tear, but this was the first one I actually cried over. A lot of things have happened in the past year that brought me closer to my family and especially my father. So knowing that so much has happened to make me love my daddy even more and knowing that I only have this summer and next with him before I'm pretty much on my own, I cried. My dad means the world to me and I just don't know what I would do without him...especially when he comes in and hug me while I cry over a broken heart, when he fills up my gas tank when I'm almost on empty, when he takes me to go be huge Duke fanatics and sit in Cameron Indoor Stadium and soak up the Duke Basketball atmosphere, and when he just show me love. I don't know what I would do without his teaching, guiding, correcting, and advice on playing guitar and other spiritual/ God-given talent things. Really, I have no idea what I would do without my father.
That being said, this Father's Day was special to me and to my father. I know the letter started out his morning right, but what really topped off the day was the chance to be able to play guitar and to sing with his two daughters. I know that singing with my dad and sister and worshipping my heavenly Father this morning made my whole day. Really, words cannot describe what it's like to stand in front of a body of believers, sing and play guitar with your sister and daddy, and worship the Savior at the same time knowing that He's smiling down on you saying, "That's my girl." It's soooo amazing. I wish everyone had the opportunity to be able to know what it's like to do something like that!
So today, I want to just give God all the glory and praise He deserves. He gave me such an amazing earthly father that I could never replace. No other guy in my life will ever replace my earthly daddy! He also deserves all the praise because He showed my daddy what it means to be a father and how my daddy should lead his house full of girls. God knows exactly what I need! I could never thank Him enough for everything in my life, especially for a father who decided to stay, to stick it out, to learn how to love properly, and to love me for who I am. Really, even though we call my sister my dad's "second chance," I think he did a perfectly fine job with me the first time around. :)
Thanks, daddy, for all that you do, who you are to me, and the godly example you are! I love you so much!
And thank You, my heavenly Father, for constantly giving me blessings I don't deserve. Thank You for my earthly father and I cannot wait to see You face-to-face one day! You're all that I want and need!
-hannah <3
Saturday, June 18, 2011
why
I still haven't really figured out why I wanted to re-start my blogging experience. I had a blog before, but silly little me forgot the e-mail and the password I used to access the blog. The little sheet of paper I wrote the e-mail and password on has to be in my desk somewhere....but I'm pretty sure I'll never find it again. But back to the subject. I've given much thought about why I want to start a blog again, to take up a great chore of attempting to write every single day, and there's only three reasons I could come up with:
1. I want to glorify God in everything I do, and blogging will allow me to use the writing talent He has given me to His glory and His honor.
2. I'm a senior. I know, FINALLY! :) I want to write down my experiences of the summer before senior year and my senior year for the purpose of looking back at it during the years and laugh at myself.
3. I have this dream of becoming a writer, a blogger, and a person who loves coffee. I'm not a published writer (I do write a whole lot, just ask my family and ex-boyfriend [and best friend] who could not and still cannot stand the love story I write), I'm starting my first blog, and I hate coffee so I think this will be one step in that direction. :)
But now that you know the reasons on writing the blog, I think you should know a little bit about me. As was previously mentioned, I am offically a senior. I am also a Christian and I want to know God so well and I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I do fail all the time in my pursuit of becoming a woman after God's heart, but I know He still loves me and will still pick me up off the floor when I fall. My God is amazing, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. Not only has God blessed me with an amazing family and life, but He's also blessed me with a talent for music. I love to play guitar and sing, especially with my dad. I also have a desire to play piano. I've had two attempts to learn the piano, but each time I give up way too soon. As was previously mentioned, I'm also a writer and in the future, I want to become a published writer just like my favorite Christian writer, Erynn Mangum (http://erynnm.blogspot.com/). Speaking of the future, only God knows what's ahead. I only have one more year of high school and then I'm off to college at whatever school God has prepared for me. He already knows what seat I'll sit in on the first day of college, what field I'll be majoring in (maybe the crazy double major of nursing and marine biology my Mom and I joked about today), who I'll be dating, who's going to be the friends that keep me close to God, and what dorm room I'll be in. I love the fact that He has everything under control, knows the best place for me to be, and I don't have to worry about anything. That's such an amazing feeling!
So, Lord, I give you this blog. Just like everything else in my life, I ask You to use this for Your glory and honor and let this be something people can look at and realize that You are truly in control of everything and You are the only way to heaven (John 14:6). Be lifted up and glorified through this!
hannah <3
1. I want to glorify God in everything I do, and blogging will allow me to use the writing talent He has given me to His glory and His honor.
2. I'm a senior. I know, FINALLY! :) I want to write down my experiences of the summer before senior year and my senior year for the purpose of looking back at it during the years and laugh at myself.
3. I have this dream of becoming a writer, a blogger, and a person who loves coffee. I'm not a published writer (I do write a whole lot, just ask my family and ex-boyfriend [and best friend] who could not and still cannot stand the love story I write), I'm starting my first blog, and I hate coffee so I think this will be one step in that direction. :)
But now that you know the reasons on writing the blog, I think you should know a little bit about me. As was previously mentioned, I am offically a senior. I am also a Christian and I want to know God so well and I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I do fail all the time in my pursuit of becoming a woman after God's heart, but I know He still loves me and will still pick me up off the floor when I fall. My God is amazing, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. Not only has God blessed me with an amazing family and life, but He's also blessed me with a talent for music. I love to play guitar and sing, especially with my dad. I also have a desire to play piano. I've had two attempts to learn the piano, but each time I give up way too soon. As was previously mentioned, I'm also a writer and in the future, I want to become a published writer just like my favorite Christian writer, Erynn Mangum (http://erynnm.blogspot.com/). Speaking of the future, only God knows what's ahead. I only have one more year of high school and then I'm off to college at whatever school God has prepared for me. He already knows what seat I'll sit in on the first day of college, what field I'll be majoring in (maybe the crazy double major of nursing and marine biology my Mom and I joked about today), who I'll be dating, who's going to be the friends that keep me close to God, and what dorm room I'll be in. I love the fact that He has everything under control, knows the best place for me to be, and I don't have to worry about anything. That's such an amazing feeling!
So, Lord, I give you this blog. Just like everything else in my life, I ask You to use this for Your glory and honor and let this be something people can look at and realize that You are truly in control of everything and You are the only way to heaven (John 14:6). Be lifted up and glorified through this!
hannah <3
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