"I'm holding on to things I shouldn't, it's time to let them go."

Tonight, I was able to have the opportunity to go to a youth worship service called Audience of One. I've never been and I was really excited to go because not only was a guy I like very much was going to be there, but also because it was an opportunity to worship freely. I know that the first reason shouldn't have been a reason for going at all, but I'm being completely and totally honest in this post--nothing will be left unsaid about this night. I know I should've been going completely for Him and Him alone, but I still went to see this guy too. I also know that worshipping freely has been a problem for me for at least two years because of the bondage I was under and that this would probably be one of the first times in a long time that I'll be able to worship freely and not worry about what other people think.

On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.

Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.

The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.

Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.

So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.

-hannah

"The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You."

   I've been reading through the book of Joshua lately. Since I'm reading a chapter a day and recording what I got out of it, I'm only on the seventh chapter. It's been rewarding and really fitting to my life. Themes like obedience, faith, faithfulness, and trust are a common occurrence in my notes. I've also recorded things like, "God can use anyone to carry out His will," "You have to have faith that God will direct your way, even if you can't see anything," "How many times do we obey the word of the Lord?" "How many times do we refuse to follow God?" "Sometimes God lifts us up to become leaders so He gets the glory He deserves," and "Joshua obeyed and was humble." Just by reading these few chapters, my faith seems to grow stronger and I'm growing more and more confident each and every single day. Normally, one would think that's awesome in a teenage girl's life. Don't get me wrong, it is. I would love to see every teenage girl in the world to be immersed in God's word. But for me, it's signs. What I get out of the chapters are all signs of what God's calling me to be...what God's calling me to do....

   Tomorrow, Wednesday, July 20, 2011, I will be leading my youth group's worship for the first time ever. By myself. Every time I've ever done congregational worship, I've always played with someone else and had someone else lead. The only exception to this is that I've lead some form of congregational worship through my church's Children's Church once every three months or so. Even then, I have another older person to get the children to sing and most of the kids quit singing after the first chorus. Of course, the little kids are important. It's important to instill a love for Christ and worship in them at a young age, but there's just something about playing for people your age. It feels like there's more pressure and God expects more out of you. Yes, I know God is pleased with how faithful you are, not how great you are. It's just...I don't know what it is...it kind of feels like a step into something I don't want to be apart of. I really don't want to be apart of leading worship. I'm okay with leading worship with the little kids, I just don't want to move in the direction God's moving me into. But I do know that He has a plan for me already laid out and I just have to ask Him to guide me, even if I don't like it or not. 

   Joshua was a man who followed God with everything he had. It was evident in the way he lived his life. In the first seven chapters of Joshua, I see that Joshua never disobeyed God and His rules. Joshua followed everything God told him to do to the T. Joshua never hesitated, he never procrastinated, he just did. He lead Israel by what God told him to do. And I'm pretty sure Joshua never signed up to be the leader of Israel. God just told Joshua that He had a purpose for him and was going to use him to lead Israel, and of course, Joshua obeyed what God told him. 

  So, of course, I would be reading Joshua at this time. God has a purpose for my life. I may not know what it is or where I'll be going, but He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He knows where I'll be going in the fall of 2012, what classes I'll be taking, whether I'll be rejoicing I got into Duke or whether I'll be crying, who I'll be dating or not dating, what tests I'll excel or fail in, and what field I'll be working in for the rest of my life. I find comfort in knowing that He knows everything. I also find a bit of worry as I know I have no idea about these things. I like to be in control, but I'm learning that I need to let that go. Joshua obeyed every time God told Him to do something, and now it's my turn to obey when God tells me to lead worship. 

   I stumbled upon a few lyrics today and they seemed to fit this blog post and my life:

    "You hold the future in Your hands. You know my dreams and You have a plan. And as You light my way, I'll follow You. My eyes on all of the above, my soul secure in all you've done. My mind's made up, and You are the only one for me. Jesus, Savior, in my life You are everything. My future decided, I will praise Your name. And I know that I am, I am Yours. I know that I am, I am Yours."-My Future Decided by Hillsong United

    "The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You. Today, today, it's all or nothing. All the way. The praise goes out to You, all the praise goes out to You. Today, today, I live for one thing: to give You praise in everything I do. All the praise goes out to You!"-The Time Has Come: Hillsong United

Dear Lord, 

  I want to give everything to You. As I seek to know You more, place the path You want me to walk on before me. Search my heart and show Your face, because You're all I want. I want You to have Your way in my life, even if that means leading worship or not being accepted into Duke University. You know that's my dream and I ask for Your will to be done. You're wonderful, magnificent, glorious, beautiful, and just...words can't describe you. You're indescribable and I'm so happy You picked me up and are molding me to become the woman of God You want me to be. Without You, I am nothing. So direct my paths and make me fall in love with the school You want me to be. Make me fall in love with what You want me to do. Give me a passion for what You want me to do. Make me into who You want me to be, not who I want to be. I praise You for You're the One who will always be with me. You'll never leave me or forsake me. You're my victory and You'll always be with me. Thank You for loving me the way You love me. 

-hannah <3 

"You are holy, great and mighty. The moon and the stars declare who You are. I'm so unworthy, but still You love me."

I'm totally in love with Phil Wickham's song Cannons.  Like if I could get that cd, I would. It would be the kind of cd that I could just jam out and worship down the road to my volunteer job. The song Cannons is pretty amazing and it's the song that made me fall in love with Phil Wickham's music. Normally, at least when it comes to Christian music, I pretty much stay in my comfort zone. But lately, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone in more than one way.
Tonight, I was presented with a kind of ultimatum. The question posed in my youth group was, "Are you still going to go after family members and friends who you know aren't saved or are you just going to be content with going to heaven and let the fact that they will go to hell if they don't get saved slide?" I pretty much wanted to sob after that. I mean, that's basically what we're saying if we don't get out and tell others about Christ. We're basically condemning our family members and closest friends to hell if we don't get up, swallow our pride, and tell them about Christ and pray for them. But too often we don't want to swallow our pride and do work. And trust me, I'm speaking to myself. I don't ever want to get up and do work at my house. I'm as lazy as lazy can get when I'm at home. I'd rather just sit and watch t.v. or read my favorite books over and over again instead of building my spiritual life, strengthening my walk with the Lord, pray, and talk to those who needs the Lord. I rather just be by myself and not have anything to do with anyone, especially God since He's the only One who can convict me and tell me who I'm really being. And most of the time, it's not pretty.
So not only was I presented with that ultimatum, but I heard God speak to me again, telling me the same thing He's been telling me for over a month. "Lead," He would tell me. And as my answer to each time I've heard it, I shook my head no. I don't want to lead. The recluse, the person who wants to be left alone and wants to grow up to be a great mother, wife, and a quiet worker in the church and that's it, is being told to get out and to lead a bunch of teenagers in worship. No. I don't want to. I've seen what happened with my dad, who was a former worship leader. I know what kind of pressure is on that calling, even if it is just a school chapel service. I know that you have to constantly be on your toes, constantly watch what you're doing because other people are watching you, and you have to constantly be a great example for others. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not a great leader, I'm not a great guitarist, and I'm oh so definitely not a great singer. I can carry a tune, but it's not like I have this kind of voice that you hear on cds. I'm just average all the way around and how can God use me? Of course I know He used Josiah, Jeremiah, and Daniel in the Bible, they were all my age, and they didn't have anything going for them but I don't want to. I just want to fit in, stay calm. I want to leave an impact at my school, but I just don't want to come out of my comfort zone. But it's like I can't do one of my most favorite things in the world, playing guitar, without God telling me I need to lead. I need to say this, I need to be bold, I need to Do Hard Things for Him, I need to not worry about others and what they think...I just need to follow Him. But following what was said in youth tonight, "Following Jesus isn't easy..." and it's not. I know it's not. I've seen it through my parents and through my grandfather whose love in life has a very late stage of Alzheimer's disease. But I know when you're called to do something, you need to do it for His glory and His honor and not worry about everything else. It may just take me forgetting about playing volleyball this year and really focus on the spiritual matter of my school. Because it's really dead; it's not where God wants it. And it seems like I'm the only one who can see that. God has placed such a great burden on my heart for these kids and it's like He's telling me to go...to do work...to do His work and not worry about anything else because it'll all fall in place.
That's another fear He's working on me with. I don't like not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what I'll be doing, not knowing where He'll lead me. And He has a great sense of humor because He's telling me to do something that I don't know how it'll turn out, how many people I'll have to support me, and how much I'll be stretched and on top of that, I'm in my senior year. I don't know where I'm going...I know where I want to go, but I don't know if that's where He'll have me go and where He'll have me do work for Him. I don't know how anything will turn out and I'm scared. But I do know that wherever He has me, that's where I'm going to do work for Him, even if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and leading worship for a group of teenagers.
So once again, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them in this time of my life. I know what God wants me to do, but I don't want to do it. I need to spend time in His Word and in prayer, but I don't want to do it. So I ask for you to pray for me with the decision of leading worship, being the example He's called me to be, spending time with Him and Him alone, which college or university He has me going, and what exactly is it that He wants me to do. I need you to pray that He gives me the right kind of friends, the ones who will lift me up and I can have Bible study with, because that's what I really want. I don't want another relationship-best-friend who has left everything and is focused on who God wants him to be. I want a group of true, best friends who can stick with me through everything, who I'll love to sit down for Bible study and just be the kind of person I truly am, who will mature and not stay the same, and who will love to do some awesome things together.
And trust me, this worship thing just didn't pop up. It's been here for months. It's every time I put the guitar in my hands and start to play a worship song I hear, "You need to say this to them...you need to use this....you need to let them know what it's really like...this may be the only time they hear the truth." So I'm trying to give in and trying to listen to Him and let Him take control of my life, since after all, that's what I've been praying. I've been praying for Him to use me...and it looks like I'm getting my answer. So just...pray.
-hannah.

"I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful."

I personally think the best way to eat breakfast is outside on a porch, soaking in God's Word as you feed your spiritual needs as well as your physical. I was on my way home from dropping off my sister at tennis camp when all of a sudden that idea hit me. Once I got inside my house, I immediately made a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, grabbed my Bible and a pencil, and sat down on a white rocker on my front porch. Immediately, I knew this was the best idea that I had in a long time. I absolutely loved it! I couldn't help but take in God's creation as I read and prayed. The light blue skies, the cotton ball clouds, the vibrant green grass...all of it was just amazing. It was just like God said, "Here you go, my daughter, this is all for you this morning." There are no words to describe how I felt this morning. I would read a couple of passages and then stop and pray and tell my Father what was really on my mind. And I could just imagine Him sitting in heaven, seated on His throne, smiling down and nodding His head like He wanted to hear every single word I was saying and just listen to me. That's amazing. The Lord of heaven and earth, the One who created me, wants to hear every single word I say. He wants the best for me and wants me to be so close to Him. Can't you just imagine Him whispering in the silence, "My child, let's talk and grow closer to each other." But too often we can't even sit down for two seconds and let the Holy Spirit fall on us and immediately be in God's presence. Don't get me wrong, I'm preaching to myself. Lately, I've been using the excuse that I'm too busy for God when the truth is I don't want to be close to God. I don't want to do the work and sit in the silence and let His Spirit fall on me. So this morning, I stopped everything I was doing and just spent time in His Word and telling Him what's on my mind.
But it didn't end there. Moments before I finished reading a Psalm, a song popped in my head: "I come before You today and there's just one thing that I want to say. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord...with a greatful heart, with a song of praise, with an outstreched arm, I will bless Your name." The song by Don Moen just continuously played in my head. Finally, after praying one last time, I took my guitar upstairs and began to play it. I thought that if I played it, the song would leave my mind. But I continued to play song after song after song and before I knew it, my little quick song turned into a time of worship. It was the icing on the cake for me this morning and it set the tone for the rest of my day. I just absolutely love those moments where you think that you're going to play a few songs, put the guitar up, and then get on with your life, but the Holy Spirit falls on you and makes you stay for an hour or two, just worshipping the One who deserves it all. Those are the moments I wish I could live out every single day.
Though, I must say my heart is heavy. There's so much to be prayed about in my life, but there's just one thing that's really on my mind lately. Ever since I got back from Duke, I've been praying about going there every time I have Duke on my mind. And most of the time, I pray about it at least twenty times or more a day. Duke is sooo heavy on my heart. If it's where God wants me to go, it seems like it's too easy of a choice. What I mean is if that's where He has me going, then I know He'll get the admissions office to accept me and it'll seem like it was too easy of a choice. I'm also so set on Duke that I'm afraid that God will send me somewhere I won't love. I don't want to get my hopes up but every time I read something from Duke, it's like I fall more in love with it.  And I know I've got until December to find out if Duke will accept me or not, but it's like I'm so tired of stressing about where He wants me to go that I'm just ready to get everything done and over with. I know I need to really focus on other colleges, but it seems like I can't. Every time I go to look at another college, I think about how that college compares to Duke. I know, I know that everything I just said was a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I can't seem to get all my thoughts out quick enough! My mind just filps from one thing to the next when I think about Duke. So I need your prayers sooo badly. My heart is sooo heavy with this! Just pray that God shows me where He wants me to go, because that's all that matters. I would love to go to Duke, but if it's not His will, then I'm not going.

Lord, help me to commit my ways to You no matter where that leads me. Lord, You know where I want to go, but only You can show me where You want me to go. My wishes and desires and dreams are Yours, and You know that. Just show me where and I'll go, even if it breaks my heart if it's not Duke.
-hannah