Tonight, I was able to have the opportunity to go to a youth worship service called Audience of One. I've never been and I was really excited to go because not only was a guy I like very much was going to be there, but also because it was an opportunity to worship freely. I know that the first reason shouldn't have been a reason for going at all, but I'm being completely and totally honest in this post--nothing will be left unsaid about this night. I know I should've been going completely for Him and Him alone, but I still went to see this guy too. I also know that worshipping freely has been a problem for me for at least two years because of the bondage I was under and that this would probably be one of the first times in a long time that I'll be able to worship freely and not worry about what other people think.
On the way there, I was listening to my Passion: Awakening cd. I was trying to get into a mind of worship, but I couldn't really worship. I just kept thinking about how my life is right now and how far away I really am from God. I've walked away from what He's done for me and put on a facade for others. I've been trying to fit in a group at school that seems as if they really don't want me to be a part of them. And I've had to change who I am and turn away from a God I love so much and a God I used to be so passionate about just to attempt to fit in this group. Every time I tried to sing, I kept hearing that in my head.
Once I got there, I waited for one of my friends to arrive so I could walk in with her. I got in the building and met her boyfriend. He gave us (her, her brother, and me) a hug and we walked over to where the guy was and said hey to him. We all talked for a few, and then me and my friend walked into the sanctuary. I sat down with the rest of the group of friends from school and my friend who waited for me and her friends sat behind us. I started talking to her and then realized I really should be sitting beside her. So, I went and sat beside my friend and we started talking about our senior trip (since she's really the one planning it and I'm trying to see what I can help with). Soon, my friend who was greeting walked up and my other guy friend talked him into sitting with us.
The worship service started and I just felt off. I knew exactly what it was and I was ashamed that I let myself run from God for almost two months. Even now as I write this, I'm still ashamed because I'm one of those people who feel like they have to be doing okay with God and that I have to feel His presence or He doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not good enough for Him anymore. I know the truth, that I'll never amount to God's standards but He still loves me so, so, so much. After the first song, I prayed for clean hands and pure heart as I sang to God. I prayed that God would open my heart--my dirty, dusty, hardened heart--and allow me to really worship Him and feel His presence once again. After that, all I can remember about the rest of the service is closing my eyes and just being there, worshipping. I don't remember anything else, really. There were times where I had to open my eyes and check the time (thanks to my restricted driver's license, I had to be out of there by eight to get home by nine) and I saw a few of my friends worshipping. Just seeing those people, who I rarely see outside of school much less in a worship setting, really worship God was breathtaking. I love seeing people who are just so in love with God worshipping my Creator. The last song is the one I remember the most...I don't remember what the song was or if it was a fast or a slow song, but all I can remember is standing there with one hand on my scarf and the other on the chair in front of me just worshipping. I never stand still during a worship service, but this time around, I was just still and soaking in what I could.
Unfortunately, I had to leave right after that. But my story doesn't end there. On the way home, I put on BigFish FM radio station and about had to pull off on the side of the road when the first song came on. I knew the song fairly well and knew immediately that it was a God thing that I was even listening to that radio station. Normally, I plug my iPod hookup/ radio tuner into my power outlet, change the radio station to a clear one that my iPod can play through, and listen to music that way. But since I was out of the station's range, I had to listen to BigFish. Like I said, when the song started, I almost had to pull off on to the side of the road because I was almost in tears. The song that was playing was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. The lyrics that really got me was: "I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all, no. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?...I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might me. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees." Everything that was sung was exactly how I felt. I haven't had a desire to know God, to really get to know Him. I've been too busy filling my time with Him with other things and other people. I've filled my time with Him with the wrong thoughts--thoughts of how people see me, why the guy I like seems like he doesn't like me back...which gave way to questions like "What is wrong with me?" and "Just for once, why can't someone like him like me back,"and (I'm really ashamed of this question because I do know better than to feel this way, but I'm being honest here) "Why am I not good enough to get a guy like him?" and thoughts about my future...a future that I thought I could try to get away from God and the people that's been hurting me and start all over again without Him. I've made God too small, I've made Him promises a thousand times that I never kept, I talk the entire time I pray and try to be still and to hear God, and I most certainly never feared God at all in these past few months. I've been trying to life a secular life, one where I'm trying to be in love with God and the world. I've walked away from Him and this song just reminded me that I really don't know a lot about Holy. I don't have a passion to seek His face anymore. I just feel empty again and it's because I'm not following Him anymore.
So tonight, I'm running to His arms again. I'm not letting anyone, and I do mean anyone, get in my way (again)of loving Him. I'm going to passionately pursue Him and love Him because He deserves it. I'm not going to care about what other people think about me. I'm not going to try to make myself fit in a group that doesn't really accept me just so I can feel better about myself. I'm going to love Him and let Him mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to try to be a girl after His own heart and I will get to know who Holy is. I'm going to listen to Him when He shows me who He wants me to be once I'm done with high school, even if it scares me and it doesn't allow me to make a lot of money. I'm going to follow His will and drown myself in who He is. It's not going to be a one-day process. It's going to be an every day struggle, one that I'll have to work hard at and allow myself to fail sometimes--even though I really hate failing when it comes to God. But I know that's where I need to be. I need to be so in love with Him that nothing and no one else matters. I want to be so in love with Him. This time around, it's all about Him and not about me.
-hannah
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
me, oh, my it's cameron crazy time!
You guys should really see my bed right now. It's quite hilarious. Pamphlets, papers, posters, shirts, maps, and handwritten notes are all spread out across my bed right now just waiting to be read, hung up as encouragement, and prayed about. The parahernalia spread out across my bed is a special group of items that have one thing in common: Duke University.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).
And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!
But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.
So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.
To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.
-hannah.
Yesterday, I went to Duke University for an admissions seminar and campus tour. And let me tell you, I'm so sold on Duke. There's sooo many things I love about Duke and they knock off sooo many items on what kind of college I was looking for! My college list pretty much goes like this:
1. It has to be in North Carolina. I don't want anything out of state because it's too far away and I plan on staying in North Carolina for my life.
2. It has to either be a small school or if it is a large school, I have to feel safe. But I do prefer a small school because that's where I'm coming from.
3. The student to teacher ratio has to be low. When I'm in a smaller class and there's more class participation, then I learn a lot better.
4. It, of course, has to have a beautiful campus. I can't be somewhere that I hate looking outside the window while I'm studying and wonder how I got there.
5. It has to have a great library. (Hey, a bookworm has to feel at home somewhere!)
6. I prefer it not to be in a rural area. I do like to go shopping and do like to hang out in a city, not in the country.
7. I would love to travel for a semester and still be able to get my work done in the four year time period.
8. I also have to be challenged wherever I go. I need a school that will challenge me in academics, in leadership, and stretch me to make me go where I thought I couldn't go before.
9. The school I want also has to have a nursing program.
10. I prefer a walking school...you know, a school that you don't need to take a car to get to your class. I prefer to walk, get some exercise, and not have random creeps driving through campus.
11. I want a school that will work with me, not one that will throw me off on the side. I want a school that is actually interested in my intrests and that will transfer those interests into a major.
12. I want a school filled with school spirit! I'm a former cheerleader who wishes her new school had cheerleading. :)
13. And last, but not least, it has to be around amazing churches or have an easy access to churches (more to come on that later).
And really, Duke fills this list and so much more. It has great academics that'll challenge me and it's in a suburban area and is literally three minutes from downtown Durham. I love how they will allow you to make your own major if that's what it takes to get you to where you need to be. I love how you can major in nursing (in this case, pre-med) have a minor in something like marine biology and a certificate in something else. I love that they want to work with their students instead of placing them on a path that they wouldn't like that much and that they would have to go back to get another degree if they wanted to major in something else. It also has the biggest library I have seen in my life. The Perkins Library is four floors up and three floors down. It has a Link center where there are tons of rooms where you can go and study with friends and write on all four walls if you need to solve a chemical equation. The Link also serves as a computer help center...which I know I'll need. Duke is a walking school, you don't need a car to get around anywhere. In fact everyone from my tour guide who's a sophomore from Duke to the admissions officer says that you don't need to bring a car to campus, it's really not necessary. The only reason why I would need to bring one would be to go to church and to go home on the weekends. You can really get from one side of West Campus to the other in less than ten minutes. Everything is right there. Duke has a pre-med program which I would have to take since they don't have an undergraduate nursing program. They see it better that they don't have a pre-health program, that when you go through pre-med both medical doctors and nurses get what they need for graduate programs. Also, if I remember correctly, you are encouraged to go on a service mission for a year while taking courses at the same time. They even have something called DukeEngage where Duke will provide living and travel expences for eight weeks for a student who wants to go abroad or in the U.S. and take what they learned in class to the world. The campus is one of the most gorgeous campuses I have ever lived in, everything's so old and so beautiful. How could you not want to be there? It's also in North Carolina and it's a small school. I feel competely safe there and kind of at home. And finally, the school spirit there is phenominal. I mean, camping out for two and a half months just to get tickets to the UNC vs Duke game (the biggest rival game in college sports), is some awesome school spirit. We're not known as the Cameron Crazies for nothing!
But really, we'll see where God leads me. Tonight in church, God called me to live for Him. Of course, I've been really trying to live for Him since my first year at Deep Impact (shout out to my homies! haha.) where He called me to live for Him there. But this time, I placed college in His hands. There's no way I can ever pay for Duke for one year. It's over fifty thousand dollars. Who has that kind of money?!? So I know for a fact that I have to put everything in God's hands. Not only the college I go to, but also the church I'll go to. There's no way I'm going to be that child who went to church all her life, faked like she meant everything, and then when she got on her own, she left the church. I don't want to be that person! So God will have to show me a church to call home, even if that means traveling thirty minutes to a church in Raleigh. I'll need a church that will preach God's Word point blank, that follows Him with all they are, and don't cut corners when they preach God's Word. Because if there's something I hate, it has to be a preacher not seeking God and what He wants to be preached and then not preaching what the Bible says. I also want a preacher who's not afraid to step on people's toes and follow what God tells him to do, not what he wants to do or one that will avoid controversy if that means having people stay to provide money. I want a church that will walk on faith all the time and preaches the truth of God, they don't cut corners. I want a church where I feel the Holy Spirit and know that the Holy Spirit is there, where I'm not afraid to worship, where I get God's Word point blank taught to me each week, no matter if that means telling the truth and letting the Holy Spirit convict a person. Yeah, I know, I've got a long list. But it's a necessary list. The church, the preaching of God's Word, God Himself, it's all what I need, especially God. God is what this life is all about. We're here to worship and praise Him and Him alone. Not Buddah or Muhammad, He's the only way to heaven. He's why we're here. And I'm sooo passionate about Him and what He's done for me. So yes, I do have a long list of what a church has to fit, and yes, I know since the church is made of people and people can fail at times, but this is what I want. This is what God demands us as Christians to follow. We need the church as much as we need our family. The church is another family and without it, there's no way I would be able to constantly be reading God's Word. It makes me want to constantly be in His Word and constantly be yearning for Him. At least that's how my church is now, and I can't lose that when I go to college.
So God, I ask You to direct my paths. Show me where You want me to go. I'm following You, even though I don't know where I'm going. Help me to be like Abram and follow You with everything and be willing to lose a lot to follow You. Open all the doors I need to go through and shut the ones I don't need to. Open the door to that college You want me to go to, and shut every one that I'm not suppose to go to. Draw me closer to You each and every single day. Be with me as I prepare for college and let me have a firm foundation built on You when I go off to college. Don't ever let me lose who I am in You. Show me Your will, and make me listen to You! I love You, Lord, and I will forever. Thank You for all that You've done and all that You continue to do and all that You will do.
To everyone who reads this: pray for me. After reading this, you should understand why. I'm getting ready to take a huge step in my life and I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray that God shuts all doors that I don't need to go in, and open the one that's His will, even if I don't like it. Pray that I continue to stay close to Him, that I build the firm foundation I need for college. Pray that I continue to follow Him, wherever that leads me and with whoever He has me with. Pray that God stretches me to no end and continues to build me to become the leader He would want me to be. Pray that I can be the leader on the fields and in the court as I play soccer and volleyball this year. Pray that He will flow through me and be the only thing people see when I walk down the hallways during my senior year. Pray for me when I play guitar and lead everyone in worship during chapels during the school year. And finally, pray for graduation. Pray that I'm going to the place God has me to go and I'm in His will. Because that's all I want.
-hannah.
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